god, do you ever get those moments where you actually stop, and actually STOP and think about things? and think about the world and the issues everyone's on top of and the one's that need more attention and wonder what else is wrong in the world? it's really depressing...
ignorance is bliss, and that's true... but unfortunately, the truth (or at least partial truth) usually comes up and then... bad things. i don't know, i think half truths are worse than full truth but like... remember that short story about that computer that has to process all the information of everyone in the world and gives everyone advice on how to make things better but in the end it gets overloaded with everything and tries to commit suicide? sometimes i feel like that. not that i have to give everyone advice, but just that everything is so retarded and there are so many things that are just so... wrong in this world. like i can't handle thinking about it. it's just so frustrating because it's like... it makes everything i know or want seem to stupid and... and... it makes me feel consumerist, to say the least. it makes me feel spoiled, but not in a good way. it's like, what makes me have what i have? what decides that? why are there so many fucking people who will never have a life like this? what did they do? why do they have to... to i don't even know.
it's just... everything out there makes me feel so insignificant, you know? like "BIG" things in life ie grad, prom, first bf, getting a house, going to school, getting cds, clothes... it all just seems to stupid. why am i like this? am i just some naive consumerist product of... of... whore-y capitalist values?
i'm just so sad right now. not only do i feel like everything i "worry" about... that all those "big" things are really just stupid when put into perspective, but also that there are so many people out there who need help... and that i can't do a thing about it. i feel so useless and futile. there are so many people who don't even know they need help... there is so much ignorance...
in your survey thing you sent out, aaron, one question was something different that you're against... and i said something like people feeling strongly about things... i guess i really meant ignorance and closedmindedness... when people are unwilling to even hear what others have to say... when people feel it's not okay for other people to disagree... and to just... leave it and accept that people feel differently... that's when people get hurt. you also asked what we feared most... i think i fear not doing anything... i'm afraid that everything i've just blurted out is true: that i really am insignificant; that i really CAN'T do anything; that i'm alone; that i'm useless, purposeless, and a waste of time. if i weren't here, could i give up my life for someone else? does that make sense?
there are things that are good, of course, but i mean... there is just so much wrong. so much is wrong... it's just like, okay, what now?
what if i die and my greatest accomplishment is like... getting a degree at ubc? or winning a hot dog eating contest? god, if i weren't dead already i think i'd die again of... just... stupidity. i don't know. i want to do something more than that... but there's just so much wrong. where do i start? what do i do?
i don't think i will ever be satisfied with myself because... because i guess until the world stops being retarded, i will never feel like i did anything at all.
i hope you guys understand a bit, at least. i'm not looking for advice or anything, i just want to know that you know and at least kind of get me.
-chelsea
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