Haha, I sort of remember those pics (except the one where Ann is attempting to put makeup on me). By the way, your cat looks cute in that picture, but it doesn't like me, so go tell it to cough up another puddle of hairball mixture.
I had a strange encounter when I came home tonight. After Laura's party, I bussed home. As I was walking on Victoria Drive, I saw this guy lying on the bus bench. I figured it was just some hobo or something but when I got closer, I saw it was this young-ish looking guy that sorta looked like the singer George (if you guys know who he is). But it was that I thought he was kinda cute; he had a bruise on his forehead, and it was red, even in the dark, so it was clear he was/had been bleeding. I think his tank top had some blood on it too, but I'm not sure. Anyway, he was just lying there, eyes closed, hands behind his head. I walked past him, and then kinda stopped, taking in what I just saw. The normal, stupid Aaron would have just kept walking, but I needed to check that he was alright, or at least breathing. So I kinda slowly shuffled back to him, straining my eyes to see if his chest was rising, and it was, which I was really glad. I had this voice in my head telling to go and ask him if he was alright, and see if he needed help or something. I think 2 things stopped me:
1) He appeared to be sleeping, and I didn't really want to wake him because he might get mad or something.
2) There was a bus coming and I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I knew it was going to stop, and sort of figured that someone would see him there and they would ask him what was wrong and everything.
So, I just left the guy there and walked home, thinking about him a lot, and wondering if he was alright. I would hate it to be my fault if someone didn't get help because of me, cute guy or not.
How about we have every Sunday a game day at my house? I mean, this would make it 2 weeks in a row and at least we would see each other once a week. I don't know... just for the summer, before we go back to school. Maybe that's too much to ask for...
~~Aaron
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
when did this happen???
i found some pictures in my phone that most likely chelsea took. I DO NOT remember them, except for the last one.
here's one of my cat..just for kicks
ann
eww
ann what the hell..i might come over tomorrow call me later tonight on my cell cause i'll most likely be out. Me and jon talked about things and we're good
mwah
here's something that no one wants to hear but i'm gonna say anyway: i almost got diarreah in class..i'm sad now. tummy hurting for no raison :( and i was trying to look at the time on my cell phone in class (to see if i should go to the washroom now, or wait it out) but it was wonky, and my camera application popped up...so i accidentally pressed the take picture button 3 times (which makes a shutter noise), and the guy beside me was staring at me caus it looked like i was taking pics of my crotch in class for no reason. sigh.
but all that is behind me now.
aaron-bo-baaron..if you want you can come over on fri (tomorow) and get the mic..in fact everyone is welcome tomorow!
i'll call you guys tonight if i feel like it.
ann
but all that is behind me now.
aaron-bo-baaron..if you want you can come over on fri (tomorow) and get the mic..in fact everyone is welcome tomorow!
i'll call you guys tonight if i feel like it.
ann
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Intolerance is the true sickness
Ahh... teal colour. Just like my hair, even though it's fading.
So I just have to rant a little bit here to get it off my chest. I came home after volunteering today and my mom sat down next to me at my laptop and told me what I had previously told my dad on Sunday. I asked what he had told her, and she said he told her that I had told him that I'm gay (hope that makes sense there). She couldn't seem to figure out why I did that because the next thing she said was, "But you told me you were normal." And I replied, "I am normal." Actually, it's going to be easier to write in a script format.
Mom: Your dad phoned. What did you tell him?
Me: What did he say?
Mom: He said that you told him you're gay.
Me: Yeah... so?
Mom: You told me you were normal.
Me: I am normal. [insert eyerolling]
Mom: No, you're not. You're sick.
Me: No, I'm not [matter of factly]
Mom: Yes you are. Do you need to see someone? Do you need to see a doctor?
Me: No, I'm not sick!
Mom: You said you would try changing. Why haven't you done it?
Me: Um... because I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't.
Mom: But why not? Have you even tried?
Me: Yes... a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, time ago.
Mom: And?
Me: And I realized that I'm not that way.
Mom: After you told you're dad that you're gay, he planned to sell his house again.
Me: No, even before I did, he was telling me that he wanted to sell it.
Mom: I talked to him today and after you told him, now he's going to sell it.
Me: No [getting a little impatient], he was telling me at lunchtime how he wanted to sell it again. It's not because of me.
Mom: Oh, okay. Do you want to live with your father? Or do you still want to live with me?
Me: [sighing] I don't really want to live with either of you, but at least he makes an effort to understand people... sort of.
Mom: I make an effort!
Me: No, not really. You don't even try to see other people's point of views and you always think you're right about everything.
Mom: No, that's not true. When have I done tha...
Me: You do it all the time.
Mom: No, I understand people.
Me: Look, there you go again. You're doing it right now, and you can't even understand or admit that.
Mom: Well, when you wanted to volunteer at the garden, I understood that.
Me: What's there to understand? It's not like it's an evil garden or something.
Mom: See? It's only this one time [in reference to the gay issue]
Me: [rolls eyes] Whatever.
That's about it right there. God, I'm so sick of listening to this crap. And then right after our little conversation, I was reminded of Lily's post on family and how great they are. Woohoo... my mom thinks I'm sick but she's my mom so yeah, I'm supposed to live with that somehow. It's always a comfort to know I have someone like her to come home to.
I think we should do something tomorrow (Wednesday) because I'm free and I know Annie bo bannie is free as well, but I don't know about everyone else. I sorta want to play Simpsons jeopardy, but not with Ann, haha.
How did your interview go Lily? Did they ask if you're single? :)
Chels, you left your Butternut Squash Pasta thing at my house. Ann, you left your espresso chocolate beans, and Lily, you left your gross Perrier (Maggie took a sip and was instantly disgusted by it, saying, "How can they sell this?!) if we do something tomorrow, I can give it all back to you guys.
She Floats...
~~Aaron
So I just have to rant a little bit here to get it off my chest. I came home after volunteering today and my mom sat down next to me at my laptop and told me what I had previously told my dad on Sunday. I asked what he had told her, and she said he told her that I had told him that I'm gay (hope that makes sense there). She couldn't seem to figure out why I did that because the next thing she said was, "But you told me you were normal." And I replied, "I am normal." Actually, it's going to be easier to write in a script format.
Mom: Your dad phoned. What did you tell him?
Me: What did he say?
Mom: He said that you told him you're gay.
Me: Yeah... so?
Mom: You told me you were normal.
Me: I am normal. [insert eyerolling]
Mom: No, you're not. You're sick.
Me: No, I'm not [matter of factly]
Mom: Yes you are. Do you need to see someone? Do you need to see a doctor?
Me: No, I'm not sick!
Mom: You said you would try changing. Why haven't you done it?
Me: Um... because I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't.
Mom: But why not? Have you even tried?
Me: Yes... a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, time ago.
Mom: And?
Me: And I realized that I'm not that way.
Mom: After you told you're dad that you're gay, he planned to sell his house again.
Me: No, even before I did, he was telling me that he wanted to sell it.
Mom: I talked to him today and after you told him, now he's going to sell it.
Me: No [getting a little impatient], he was telling me at lunchtime how he wanted to sell it again. It's not because of me.
Mom: Oh, okay. Do you want to live with your father? Or do you still want to live with me?
Me: [sighing] I don't really want to live with either of you, but at least he makes an effort to understand people... sort of.
Mom: I make an effort!
Me: No, not really. You don't even try to see other people's point of views and you always think you're right about everything.
Mom: No, that's not true. When have I done tha...
Me: You do it all the time.
Mom: No, I understand people.
Me: Look, there you go again. You're doing it right now, and you can't even understand or admit that.
Mom: Well, when you wanted to volunteer at the garden, I understood that.
Me: What's there to understand? It's not like it's an evil garden or something.
Mom: See? It's only this one time [in reference to the gay issue]
Me: [rolls eyes] Whatever.
That's about it right there. God, I'm so sick of listening to this crap. And then right after our little conversation, I was reminded of Lily's post on family and how great they are. Woohoo... my mom thinks I'm sick but she's my mom so yeah, I'm supposed to live with that somehow. It's always a comfort to know I have someone like her to come home to.
I think we should do something tomorrow (Wednesday) because I'm free and I know Annie bo bannie is free as well, but I don't know about everyone else. I sorta want to play Simpsons jeopardy, but not with Ann, haha.
How did your interview go Lily? Did they ask if you're single? :)
Chels, you left your Butternut Squash Pasta thing at my house. Ann, you left your espresso chocolate beans, and Lily, you left your gross Perrier (Maggie took a sip and was instantly disgusted by it, saying, "How can they sell this?!) if we do something tomorrow, I can give it all back to you guys.
She Floats...
~~Aaron
Monday, June 25, 2007
big poodles are ugly
try and destroy me, aaron :P (na na na...) anyway, i wish you the best louis, and we must celebrate life and all it's greatfulness after you're done.
and ofcourse you (aaron) may borrow my microphone, especially to create music with it. you forgot to ask me on sun, i'll bring it the next time we congregate.
so what's new in the last 24 hrs...i realized that i don't want to work at pizza hut anymore (although that's not the first time i felt that way) lately all the girl cashiers are quitting or going on vacay, and it's been 10 middle aged guys and 1 me :( middle aged chinese guys are not much fun to work with...
not much else to say, good luck good luck to louis (if she reads this), and toodles.
ps. renege (pronounced renig) IS a word, it means to withdraw or go back on a deal or contract. so shove THAT up your pipe and smoke it, aaron :P
ann
and ofcourse you (aaron) may borrow my microphone, especially to create music with it. you forgot to ask me on sun, i'll bring it the next time we congregate.
so what's new in the last 24 hrs...i realized that i don't want to work at pizza hut anymore (although that's not the first time i felt that way) lately all the girl cashiers are quitting or going on vacay, and it's been 10 middle aged guys and 1 me :( middle aged chinese guys are not much fun to work with...
not much else to say, good luck good luck to louis (if she reads this), and toodles.
ps. renege (pronounced renig) IS a word, it means to withdraw or go back on a deal or contract. so shove THAT up your pipe and smoke it, aaron :P
ann
for once i read aaron's post
and using some colour.
Posting is an art. You have to be able to appeal to our senses and the mind.
Hold off on the iron chef thing because i 1still 7want to be apart of it. My keyboard i1s being 7weird.
read bet7ween the numbers1 :)
I'm glad that you (aaron) came out to your dad finally
i can tell your mom i1s a very typical a1sian lady. in fact, 1she remind1s me of my muther.
any7way1s i'm going to re1st a bit.
tomorro7w i1s the big day!
Posting is an art. You have to be able to appeal to our senses and the mind.
Hold off on the iron chef thing because i 1still 7want to be apart of it. My keyboard i1s being 7weird.
read bet7ween the numbers1 :)
I'm glad that you (aaron) came out to your dad finally
i can tell your mom i1s a very typical a1sian lady. in fact, 1she remind1s me of my muther.
any7way1s i'm going to re1st a bit.
tomorro7w i1s the big day!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
My family knows now
My coming out timeline:
August 28, 2003: I first came out to Ann and Chelsea (and the bread-stuffing incident) under the big tree
October 25, 2003: I came out to Lily via her stupid little evil crush e-mail thing.
????: Ann apparently told Joanne (yeah, I know)
December 14, 2004: I came out to my mom. I remember crying so much.
2004: I almost came out to Dan Cashman in Math class if it weren't for that stupid girl obviously staring at me, waiting for a response to his "There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know."
2005: I sent out a quiz about myself and also included something along the lines of "oh, yeah and I'm gay" to my friends and a few family members.
June 24, 2007: I finally came out to my dad.
That's right, I finally did it today. I've been sorta putting it off for a while and Chels said something about maybe he knows already, since I'm pretty out right now, but it was more of the act itself. I was sure maybe he already knew, but it was something I think I needed to go through.
So we were sitting in his car after having lunch and he was talking about school, life, and everything in between (keywords: HE was talking... I wasn't really) Then, I felt we were nearing the conclusion of the conversation so I said, "I have something to tell you." And he said okay. I said, "I think you might know already, but... I'm gay." The words were still very difficult to say; I don't think it will ever be easy for me to say it. He sorta sighed and told me he had a feeling I was, all in a casual voice. I asked he had a problem with it, and he just said that he couldn't force to me to change, but advised me to not go out and "openly display" it because there are people there who will beat me up for it, who would kill me because of who I am. And that's the sad truth. There are some people out there that just really don't like people like me... but I can deal with that.
We didn't really talk about my being gay for very long. I thought it was funny when he asked, "So you don't have a girlfriend. Do you have boyfriends?" (yes, plural) I just smiled and said no. Then he said something about the fact that now there will be no "Chan offspring" and I could replied with something like, "Well, i can always adopt a kid or artificial insemination, and there are other options as well" but I didn't. I don't know if he really meant it because he sort of chuckled after he said that. I think that was about it. We went back to the topic of school and then I went in the house. There were no tears, no bad feelings, no feelings of guilt, no pleas to ask me to date girls... it was almost the opposite of my coming out with my mom.
I feel... not really different, but just a little happy that it went so well.
Also, Ann! Stop stealing my colour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will destroy you!!!!
I think it's interesting how Lily has not time to read a small post but yet has the time to post one of her own telling us how she has no time to read them. Very interesting...
Oh, before I forget, Ann, could I borrow one of your many microphones? I want to see if I can record stuff/song onto my laptop. I'm probably going to see you in 2 hours so I can ask you then, but... I don't know.
~~Aaron
August 28, 2003: I first came out to Ann and Chelsea (and the bread-stuffing incident) under the big tree
October 25, 2003: I came out to Lily via her stupid little evil crush e-mail thing.
????: Ann apparently told Joanne (yeah, I know)
December 14, 2004: I came out to my mom. I remember crying so much.
2004: I almost came out to Dan Cashman in Math class if it weren't for that stupid girl obviously staring at me, waiting for a response to his "There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know."
2005: I sent out a quiz about myself and also included something along the lines of "oh, yeah and I'm gay" to my friends and a few family members.
June 24, 2007: I finally came out to my dad.
That's right, I finally did it today. I've been sorta putting it off for a while and Chels said something about maybe he knows already, since I'm pretty out right now, but it was more of the act itself. I was sure maybe he already knew, but it was something I think I needed to go through.
So we were sitting in his car after having lunch and he was talking about school, life, and everything in between (keywords: HE was talking... I wasn't really) Then, I felt we were nearing the conclusion of the conversation so I said, "I have something to tell you." And he said okay. I said, "I think you might know already, but... I'm gay." The words were still very difficult to say; I don't think it will ever be easy for me to say it. He sorta sighed and told me he had a feeling I was, all in a casual voice. I asked he had a problem with it, and he just said that he couldn't force to me to change, but advised me to not go out and "openly display" it because there are people there who will beat me up for it, who would kill me because of who I am. And that's the sad truth. There are some people out there that just really don't like people like me... but I can deal with that.
We didn't really talk about my being gay for very long. I thought it was funny when he asked, "So you don't have a girlfriend. Do you have boyfriends?" (yes, plural) I just smiled and said no. Then he said something about the fact that now there will be no "Chan offspring" and I could replied with something like, "Well, i can always adopt a kid or artificial insemination, and there are other options as well" but I didn't. I don't know if he really meant it because he sort of chuckled after he said that. I think that was about it. We went back to the topic of school and then I went in the house. There were no tears, no bad feelings, no feelings of guilt, no pleas to ask me to date girls... it was almost the opposite of my coming out with my mom.
I feel... not really different, but just a little happy that it went so well.
Also, Ann! Stop stealing my colour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will destroy you!!!!
I think it's interesting how Lily has not time to read a small post but yet has the time to post one of her own telling us how she has no time to read them. Very interesting...
Oh, before I forget, Ann, could I borrow one of your many microphones? I want to see if I can record stuff/song onto my laptop. I'm probably going to see you in 2 hours so I can ask you then, but... I don't know.
~~Aaron
Saturday, June 23, 2007
trying to pick up where i left off...i guess i just have different perspectives than you guys in terms of family. i grew up not being told that my parents are giving up on me (i'm not flaunting anything here) and i always knew that family will be there for me and that we understood eachother..so i although i can understand your situation (i really do), i'll never live what you guys go thru and the best i can do is share my perspective with you guys and try my best to be there as a friend.
anyhoo, i AM sorry i missed your epiphanal cafe moment aaron, but you never call me up for the special things, so when you do i'll be there.
okay, now lets get down to business...i will prove once and for all that i can plan, i can plan like a man. okay for the iron chef thingy, i'm not sure when to host it cause lily might want to be a part of it, and she's not free till july. so we can put that on hold for a while. as for the beach thing, it's too cold, too cold! and we all have lives (to an extent) and ppl are not free for things!! i guess we should have some sort of a chart or smthg to document when we're free, it sounds geeky now but soon you'll all be like "ann what would we do without you and your chart!"
and for those that don't know about this, we are all meeting at aarons tomorow at 4 for board games and preping the lily.
that's all for now
ann
anyhoo, i AM sorry i missed your epiphanal cafe moment aaron, but you never call me up for the special things, so when you do i'll be there.
okay, now lets get down to business...i will prove once and for all that i can plan, i can plan like a man. okay for the iron chef thingy, i'm not sure when to host it cause lily might want to be a part of it, and she's not free till july. so we can put that on hold for a while. as for the beach thing, it's too cold, too cold! and we all have lives (to an extent) and ppl are not free for things!! i guess we should have some sort of a chart or smthg to document when we're free, it sounds geeky now but soon you'll all be like "ann what would we do without you and your chart!"
and for those that don't know about this, we are all meeting at aarons tomorow at 4 for board games and preping the lily.
that's all for now
ann
Friday, June 22, 2007
nope aaron, can't say i read it.
right now i really don't have time to read anything or at least my attention span on other things is very very short!
I am worried but i am trying to seek more help but CAN"T FIND ANY!
I am worried but i am trying to seek more help but CAN"T FIND ANY!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Pride (but no prejudice)
Okay... I took this post from another blog I have. I don't know if you guys care, but here it is anyway.
So I had another dream last night. (Actually, I have dreams every night and I remember almost all of them, unlike the average person)
I should probably give you a backstory to all of this. I (used to) know a guy named Peter who I knew way back in kindergarten. We were sort of friends for the first few years of elementary school but then we weren't the same class anymore and we ended up drifting apart. I left that elementary school for another private school for 2 years before entering high school. He also happened to be going to my high school too, so it was kinda weird seeing him again. We didn't really talk, except in Spanish class when he would ask me about things and one time when he phoned my house and asked me for stuff. (I was surprised how he had my number). Anyway, I got out of high school last year and haven't seen him since.
Here's the dream sequence: We are sitting in a classroom. He turns around and asks if I want to know something cool. I say yes. He asks me if it's weird that crosswalks start out wide and then gradually narrow near the middle and then widen again. I somehow know exactly what he's talking about and we laugh about that for a bit. I ask if he wants to know something weird and he says yes. So I tell him to follow me.
So I had another dream last night. (Actually, I have dreams every night and I remember almost all of them, unlike the average person)
I should probably give you a backstory to all of this. I (used to) know a guy named Peter who I knew way back in kindergarten. We were sort of friends for the first few years of elementary school but then we weren't the same class anymore and we ended up drifting apart. I left that elementary school for another private school for 2 years before entering high school. He also happened to be going to my high school too, so it was kinda weird seeing him again. We didn't really talk, except in Spanish class when he would ask me about things and one time when he phoned my house and asked me for stuff. (I was surprised how he had my number). Anyway, I got out of high school last year and haven't seen him since.
Here's the dream sequence: We are sitting in a classroom. He turns around and asks if I want to know something cool. I say yes. He asks me if it's weird that crosswalks start out wide and then gradually narrow near the middle and then widen again. I somehow know exactly what he's talking about and we laugh about that for a bit. I ask if he wants to know something weird and he says yes. So I tell him to follow me.
We somehow get to my old bedroom in my old house. The camera angle is now third person as we sit down on the bed. I tell him that I've known him since kindergarten and yet we never really knew each other. I ask if he remembers the Memory Book (scrapbook) we made back in Grade 2. I pull the oversized yellow book out of the drawer while explaining what I came to tell him about. We had taken a class picture of everyone and below it, a caption of everyone's names in the class. A long time ago, I had scribbled out names of people I disliked, and of course, his name was one of them (this part is also in real life - the scribbled names part). I tell him this and watch his reaction, but he just takes the book from me and looks at it. I tell him I don't know why I had crossed out his name and ask if he remembers if he did anything bad/mean to me, but he still doesn't respond. He continues to flip through my book, studying each page. I look and him and gently kiss him. I'm not sure how he'll respond, of course. The next thing he does surprises me, to say the least. He just puts the book down, and walks away. I don't know how to feel; was it the kiss that made him leave me or was it the fact that I had attempted to erase him from my Memory Book?
The end, by the way. If there is anyone who can translate a dream, then maybe you could help me out here, because I don't know if it's supposed to mean something. I should probably say that he's probably straight, but my gaydar is probably the worst in the world, so I could be wrong. Also, I would have on/off crush status with him, but mostly off, I think.
Wow, that was long.
So playing with colours is pretty fun, actually. Maybe I'll do it more often.
I didn't tell you guys this, but just as we were leaving the coffee shop tonight, a guy came up to me and said thank you to me for playing that song, which I still can't believe people responded so well to. He told me I did a great job and that he was really, really proud of me. I was so floored all I could say was , "Thank you". Then we shook hands and parted ways. I felt really good after that because I had made someone else feel good about themselves, and I was just so glad that I was the one to do something like that. I feel very proud of what I did, and so, so grateful for everyone being so supportive after I finished the song. Thank you Chels (and Dan too) for being there. (I wasn't so sure you'd show up) And Lily and Ann... well, you missed something special, I think. I think it was special because like, I said before I played it, it's something that most people don't talk about, and I'm happy (again) to be the one to bring it up.
I definitely wrote too much here. Let's see if Lily reads it. Also, what was the server/waiter guy talking about? Did he ask if I wrote that last song?
~~Aaron
PS. Okay, last thing! I'm probably totally completely 100% wrong, but my gaydar blipped a tiny, tiny, microscopic bit when I first met the server/waiter guy. What about you?
PPS. And yes, I do think he is cute, Chels.
Wow, that was long.
So playing with colours is pretty fun, actually. Maybe I'll do it more often.
I didn't tell you guys this, but just as we were leaving the coffee shop tonight, a guy came up to me and said thank you to me for playing that song, which I still can't believe people responded so well to. He told me I did a great job and that he was really, really proud of me. I was so floored all I could say was , "Thank you". Then we shook hands and parted ways. I felt really good after that because I had made someone else feel good about themselves, and I was just so glad that I was the one to do something like that. I feel very proud of what I did, and so, so grateful for everyone being so supportive after I finished the song. Thank you Chels (and Dan too) for being there. (I wasn't so sure you'd show up) And Lily and Ann... well, you missed something special, I think. I think it was special because like, I said before I played it, it's something that most people don't talk about, and I'm happy (again) to be the one to bring it up.
I definitely wrote too much here. Let's see if Lily reads it. Also, what was the server/waiter guy talking about? Did he ask if I wrote that last song?
~~Aaron
PS. Okay, last thing! I'm probably totally completely 100% wrong, but my gaydar blipped a tiny, tiny, microscopic bit when I first met the server/waiter guy. What about you?
PPS. And yes, I do think he is cute, Chels.
i also want to be a pastry chef!
aarie, i'm so happy for you. things sound so good! and you seem happier than normal, which is really cool. you deserve the goodness of things :)
lily, as long as one of you takes the first step to talk to the other after the argument (which is always the hardest 'cause you don't want to be "weak" and admit you're "wrong"... or at least that's how i feel)... ie, as long as one of you decides that your relationship is not worth straining over whatever the argument may be (and in some cases, maybe this is not true... depends) then you'll be okay. also, i find dan just frustrates me when i try to HINT at things that i want. it's not that he doesn't want to make me happy or whatever but just that he responds more easily when i just TELL him what i'm trying to say... i hope you feel better. best luck on the interview. relax and do your best. that's all you can do.
ann, WHY DID YOU NOT WITHDRAW THE UNDERWEAR GAME FROM YOUR BAG???
so on another note, i'm really annoyed at phys 12 because the class is friggin' FIVE DAYS A WEEK. not that it's started yet... but it's really restricting. so... i know july is kinda gonna suck. hopefully, we will be going camping, however (i've never been). i mean dan and me. but britta and matt too, i think... and you guys are totally welcome if you're interested!
unfortunately for me (and perhaps dan) while my parents are gone, they have decided to not leave me any money (not that i'm mad or anything. it's just like, eh, okay.) so i'm gonna hafta be more careful with how i'm spending my money. on my quest to save up for my dream home, i have allocated more money into a term deposit to keep me from spending it. i still have money in the bank (just over $100). however, i owe dan $108 for my macroecon textbook. poop. (and don't tell my to buy secondhand from anyone, lily... i've had enough anger issues with the used micro text. not that it was your fault! i'm just saying. bad things happen with me and used textboooks that have ANSWERS ALL OVER THE PAGES AND HIGHLITER!!!). so... i'll have about... $30 bucks left.
it's okay though 'cause mom isn't leaving for 2 weeks which means i'll get one more paycheque before i will need to mostly buy for myself. eegrrrr
oh yeah, so i'm kinda really excited (in an anticlimactic, not-really-excited kind of way) because the other day i saw an ad for those new apartments in richmond (the ones by the canada line) and the appartments were about 250,000 or something and it said you could buy with 10% down... i thought about it, and i think dan and i combined have about enough for that... the 10% i mean. NOT THAT WE'RE THINKING OF BUYING..!!! no way. not going back to richmond!!! but it's just like... i kinda felt... safe. i felt really good... like the ad was saying "you're on the right track"... y'know? like, i'm not trying to say ooooh we've got a lot of money look at us or ANYTHING like that (most of the money of dan is actually probably going to go towards his education anyways and a lot of mine will too, in the end... so in reality, we don't have a lot of free spending money) but it's just like... well, i remember in grade 12 when i would feel so trapped and so fucking STUCK, and i would tell dan how i felt like i would never get out of here and he assured me i would, just NOT YET... but i just felt so... so constricted and confined in the situation that it was really hard to imagine ever getting out. but when i saw that ad, it was like, you know, you really can do it... you will get out.
and i mean, things have improved a lot since grade 12, but there will still always be a part of me that feels the need to... kind of... do my own thing and just... break out of this. and now i really get a sense that it is a real, almost tangible, possibility.
so i have hope and optimism that i haven't for a while now just because i trust that things can and will change.
-chelsea
lily, as long as one of you takes the first step to talk to the other after the argument (which is always the hardest 'cause you don't want to be "weak" and admit you're "wrong"... or at least that's how i feel)... ie, as long as one of you decides that your relationship is not worth straining over whatever the argument may be (and in some cases, maybe this is not true... depends) then you'll be okay. also, i find dan just frustrates me when i try to HINT at things that i want. it's not that he doesn't want to make me happy or whatever but just that he responds more easily when i just TELL him what i'm trying to say... i hope you feel better. best luck on the interview. relax and do your best. that's all you can do.
ann, WHY DID YOU NOT WITHDRAW THE UNDERWEAR GAME FROM YOUR BAG???
so on another note, i'm really annoyed at phys 12 because the class is friggin' FIVE DAYS A WEEK. not that it's started yet... but it's really restricting. so... i know july is kinda gonna suck. hopefully, we will be going camping, however (i've never been). i mean dan and me. but britta and matt too, i think... and you guys are totally welcome if you're interested!
unfortunately for me (and perhaps dan) while my parents are gone, they have decided to not leave me any money (not that i'm mad or anything. it's just like, eh, okay.) so i'm gonna hafta be more careful with how i'm spending my money. on my quest to save up for my dream home, i have allocated more money into a term deposit to keep me from spending it. i still have money in the bank (just over $100). however, i owe dan $108 for my macroecon textbook. poop. (and don't tell my to buy secondhand from anyone, lily... i've had enough anger issues with the used micro text. not that it was your fault! i'm just saying. bad things happen with me and used textboooks that have ANSWERS ALL OVER THE PAGES AND HIGHLITER!!!). so... i'll have about... $30 bucks left.
it's okay though 'cause mom isn't leaving for 2 weeks which means i'll get one more paycheque before i will need to mostly buy for myself. eegrrrr
oh yeah, so i'm kinda really excited (in an anticlimactic, not-really-excited kind of way) because the other day i saw an ad for those new apartments in richmond (the ones by the canada line) and the appartments were about 250,000 or something and it said you could buy with 10% down... i thought about it, and i think dan and i combined have about enough for that... the 10% i mean. NOT THAT WE'RE THINKING OF BUYING..!!! no way. not going back to richmond!!! but it's just like... i kinda felt... safe. i felt really good... like the ad was saying "you're on the right track"... y'know? like, i'm not trying to say ooooh we've got a lot of money look at us or ANYTHING like that (most of the money of dan is actually probably going to go towards his education anyways and a lot of mine will too, in the end... so in reality, we don't have a lot of free spending money) but it's just like... well, i remember in grade 12 when i would feel so trapped and so fucking STUCK, and i would tell dan how i felt like i would never get out of here and he assured me i would, just NOT YET... but i just felt so... so constricted and confined in the situation that it was really hard to imagine ever getting out. but when i saw that ad, it was like, you know, you really can do it... you will get out.
and i mean, things have improved a lot since grade 12, but there will still always be a part of me that feels the need to... kind of... do my own thing and just... break out of this. and now i really get a sense that it is a real, almost tangible, possibility.
so i have hope and optimism that i haven't for a while now just because i trust that things can and will change.
-chelsea
hi
yeah sorry aaron
there is no excuse for me not reading the whole post
After the interview i promise i will catch up on your life and so forth
jon and i, i guess, had an argument yesterday.
it was about "wanting him to be there" or not.
I have some family issues and i told him i want him to physically be there.
and he said, "if i want him to, then i have to show it"
i said, saying it isn't enough
he said well you have to show me that i am wanted.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.
i don't treat him like my slave or anything like that.
i am just upset at my own issues so i told him that i can't be focusing my attention on you while i have problems to deal with
and then at the end of it, he said that i've learned from my past mistakes.
I said, "I"M NOT JOYCE"
and he said i know you're not
THEN DON'T TAKE YOUR PAST LESSON and use them here because obviously it's not helping you!
then at the very very end he said that he's afraid of getting hurt so i said, well you can go on doing what you're doing...i'm tired good night.
That's it.
I don't know what's going to happen but i'll try to keep you posted.
My interview is on tuesday so i only have about 4 days left to prep.
Sorry for seeming distant i promise i will catch up with each one of you guys!
there is no excuse for me not reading the whole post
After the interview i promise i will catch up on your life and so forth
jon and i, i guess, had an argument yesterday.
it was about "wanting him to be there" or not.
I have some family issues and i told him i want him to physically be there.
and he said, "if i want him to, then i have to show it"
i said, saying it isn't enough
he said well you have to show me that i am wanted.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.
i don't treat him like my slave or anything like that.
i am just upset at my own issues so i told him that i can't be focusing my attention on you while i have problems to deal with
and then at the end of it, he said that i've learned from my past mistakes.
I said, "I"M NOT JOYCE"
and he said i know you're not
THEN DON'T TAKE YOUR PAST LESSON and use them here because obviously it's not helping you!
then at the very very end he said that he's afraid of getting hurt so i said, well you can go on doing what you're doing...i'm tired good night.
That's it.
I don't know what's going to happen but i'll try to keep you posted.
My interview is on tuesday so i only have about 4 days left to prep.
Sorry for seeming distant i promise i will catch up with each one of you guys!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Whatever Lily / Motivation
Sigh... I'm not going to argue with the Lily anymore, not that I even started too, I just won't start. It doesn't seem like Lily's ever going to really, REALLY, know what I mean, so whatever. Besides, she's not even reading entire posts, and it's not like it even takes a long time to do that, so way to really try and understand us. Good luck on your interview by the way.
I already told Chels about stuff going on in my life and how Lily said that she was so surprised that i was "motivated" when I was planning to go to that volunteer orientation (where only one other person showed up... so it was just 3 people in a room. Kinda sad) Just yesterday, I kinda made a point in my life to do something more. I went downtown, dropped off my volunteer application form at YouthCo (the place I want to volunteer for) and they told me that I would definitely be busy during the summer. Then, I went to buy hair dye and stopped to listen to some people from Amnesty International talk to me about the stuff that they do and everything, and at the time, I didn't really care either way if I donated to them or not. I told them I had "limited funds" because I don't have a job right now, and the guy there said that he had limited funds too, which is why he's working for them right now. He said that if I was interested in doing what they were doing then I could ask them when they phoned me. I gave them my phone number and told them the best time to call me was
Friday at night (but then i realized i would be at Denise's partay)
As i was buying my hair dye, I realized how I needed something like this to feel like I was really making an effort in my life, so when they phone, I'm going to help them. I went to Future Shop after that, looking for a cable to connect my keyboard to my laptop to try and see if I could record things on there without having to go back into a recording studio and spending a lot of money. The cable would've been $29.99 but I got my old friend there to get it on discount, which was $2. Yeah, seriously, awesome!!!
When i got home, my mom told me there was a message for me about a job. I was confused because I hadn't applied for anything lately, except for Tom Lee. So I played the message and it turned out to be the Sun Yat-Sen Garden calling me. I had responded to an ad for volunteers at the gift shop, and I know Denise works at the gift shop, so I wouldn't really be alone there. Anyway, they have yet to call me back to set up an interview time, but I think it's going to go well. So now, I'm going to have 2 volunteer things to do during the summer, a possible job (at Amnesty International, but I don't know for sure), continuing to teach and perform too, as well as probably going back to the recording studio (I tried getting my keyboard/music program to work, but it was really confusing and I'm too stupid to figure out how to work it). I finally feel like I'm packing in useful things in my days. Maybe now I won't wake up at 11:30 in the morning.
So... when do you guys want to do the Iron chef thing? The board game night? The sleepover party? The band-aid cereal party? The hanging-out at the beach day? The possibly going to Playland day? Expert organizer Ann says she will be figuring out when to do everything... good luck with that, haha.
Oh, and I have a discussion group thing to go to about homophobia/transphobia in high school on Saturday, so there's that. So much to do!
~~Aaron
I already told Chels about stuff going on in my life and how Lily said that she was so surprised that i was "motivated" when I was planning to go to that volunteer orientation (where only one other person showed up... so it was just 3 people in a room. Kinda sad) Just yesterday, I kinda made a point in my life to do something more. I went downtown, dropped off my volunteer application form at YouthCo (the place I want to volunteer for) and they told me that I would definitely be busy during the summer. Then, I went to buy hair dye and stopped to listen to some people from Amnesty International talk to me about the stuff that they do and everything, and at the time, I didn't really care either way if I donated to them or not. I told them I had "limited funds" because I don't have a job right now, and the guy there said that he had limited funds too, which is why he's working for them right now. He said that if I was interested in doing what they were doing then I could ask them when they phoned me. I gave them my phone number and told them the best time to call me was
Friday at night (but then i realized i would be at Denise's partay)
As i was buying my hair dye, I realized how I needed something like this to feel like I was really making an effort in my life, so when they phone, I'm going to help them. I went to Future Shop after that, looking for a cable to connect my keyboard to my laptop to try and see if I could record things on there without having to go back into a recording studio and spending a lot of money. The cable would've been $29.99 but I got my old friend there to get it on discount, which was $2. Yeah, seriously, awesome!!!
When i got home, my mom told me there was a message for me about a job. I was confused because I hadn't applied for anything lately, except for Tom Lee. So I played the message and it turned out to be the Sun Yat-Sen Garden calling me. I had responded to an ad for volunteers at the gift shop, and I know Denise works at the gift shop, so I wouldn't really be alone there. Anyway, they have yet to call me back to set up an interview time, but I think it's going to go well. So now, I'm going to have 2 volunteer things to do during the summer, a possible job (at Amnesty International, but I don't know for sure), continuing to teach and perform too, as well as probably going back to the recording studio (I tried getting my keyboard/music program to work, but it was really confusing and I'm too stupid to figure out how to work it). I finally feel like I'm packing in useful things in my days. Maybe now I won't wake up at 11:30 in the morning.
So... when do you guys want to do the Iron chef thing? The board game night? The sleepover party? The band-aid cereal party? The hanging-out at the beach day? The possibly going to Playland day? Expert organizer Ann says she will be figuring out when to do everything... good luck with that, haha.
Oh, and I have a discussion group thing to go to about homophobia/transphobia in high school on Saturday, so there's that. So much to do!
~~Aaron
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
don't point that finger at me
yes i don't read the whole post but maybe if you wrote less then i'll be able to read it..
BE CONCISE PEOPLE :D (index finger pointed at chelsea stella leung)
Anyways, i have seen a sunrise (from a bad angle) i will tell you more. I haven't been sleeping well. TIRED! very tired! I think it's because my family insists on talking to me at intervals of 3 hours. 5 am then 8 am and then i wake up.
UGH
Too bad my door is broken so i can't close it...hmm
where is ann the man
BE CONCISE PEOPLE :D (index finger pointed at chelsea stella leung)
Anyways, i have seen a sunrise (from a bad angle) i will tell you more. I haven't been sleeping well. TIRED! very tired! I think it's because my family insists on talking to me at intervals of 3 hours. 5 am then 8 am and then i wake up.
UGH
Too bad my door is broken so i can't close it...hmm
where is ann the man
I SO CALLED THAT, AARIE!!!
didn't i??? *points aggressively at lily's post*
i'm not saying anything...
oh, but lily (if you read this) i don't blame my parents for the way they are (ie, i'm citing your saying that maybe they are the way they are b/c of something that happened during their childhood) and it's not like i don't like them at all... i was just saying, if i had to choose between never seeing my mom again or never seen dan again, i'd choose to stay with dan. just like that. because even though i need my mom, i need dan more. i want him more. (this is assuming the essentials i'm provided with at the moment remain constant ie, i have a place to live and food to eat, still... though i do buy a lot of my food myself anyways)
anyhow, so the reason i'm posting right now is to share my great discovery of happiness... dan doesn't share this greatness with me (...yet) so i thought i'd just run it by you guys... you don't have to try it, or agree, but just consider and think about it for a second.
so, recently, after my finals (last thurs and sat), i've been waking up waaaaay early before i need to..! and it's actually really cool. i wake up before everyone else and have a couple hour to chill. i woke up at 630 this morning, 730 yesterday morning, and 530 the morning before. i don't have anything in particular i need to do in the morning, i just... y'know, get ready for the day. but slowly, and calmly. it's really cool when you're the only one up.... and it makes your day feel long (but not in a bad way). it's like, at the end of the day, you feel more productive. and because you wake up so early, you sleep early (or at least i do) because you changed your body clock. i fell asleep at dan's house probably around 1030 last night, i was sooo exhausted, hahaha. i just woke up and took a shower (i'm still at his house). when i went back to his room, he was all sleepy and cute and calm.
it's just so calm in the morning... it's nice :)
(of course, i mean it's fun once you get used to it... it's not fun when you're used to waking up at like, noon, ahem, and then randomly wake up at 530 in the morning because you'll be friggin tired! i mean, just... if you do it for a week or something).
never seen a sunrise! or sunset! (well... once i kinda saw a sunset from a very bad view...)
-chels
i'm not saying anything...
oh, but lily (if you read this) i don't blame my parents for the way they are (ie, i'm citing your saying that maybe they are the way they are b/c of something that happened during their childhood) and it's not like i don't like them at all... i was just saying, if i had to choose between never seeing my mom again or never seen dan again, i'd choose to stay with dan. just like that. because even though i need my mom, i need dan more. i want him more. (this is assuming the essentials i'm provided with at the moment remain constant ie, i have a place to live and food to eat, still... though i do buy a lot of my food myself anyways)
anyhow, so the reason i'm posting right now is to share my great discovery of happiness... dan doesn't share this greatness with me (...yet) so i thought i'd just run it by you guys... you don't have to try it, or agree, but just consider and think about it for a second.
so, recently, after my finals (last thurs and sat), i've been waking up waaaaay early before i need to..! and it's actually really cool. i wake up before everyone else and have a couple hour to chill. i woke up at 630 this morning, 730 yesterday morning, and 530 the morning before. i don't have anything in particular i need to do in the morning, i just... y'know, get ready for the day. but slowly, and calmly. it's really cool when you're the only one up.... and it makes your day feel long (but not in a bad way). it's like, at the end of the day, you feel more productive. and because you wake up so early, you sleep early (or at least i do) because you changed your body clock. i fell asleep at dan's house probably around 1030 last night, i was sooo exhausted, hahaha. i just woke up and took a shower (i'm still at his house). when i went back to his room, he was all sleepy and cute and calm.
it's just so calm in the morning... it's nice :)
(of course, i mean it's fun once you get used to it... it's not fun when you're used to waking up at like, noon, ahem, and then randomly wake up at 530 in the morning because you'll be friggin tired! i mean, just... if you do it for a week or something).
never seen a sunrise! or sunset! (well... once i kinda saw a sunset from a very bad view...)
-chels
Sunday, June 17, 2007
OMG!
this is getting to serious for me...
i need to work harder and fast!
My interview is coming up and i need to own it!
Chelsea: if you were in REAL trouble or injured, that is when you will realize that your family cares. I've met your mom and for that matter Aaron's too. And i know, that although you mom is sarcastic in her manner and indifferent in her tone, she does care. and you will see that she does when that time comes and then you will see that Lily is always right!
BTW i skimmed your posts so maybe you realized this already i don't know...but i stand by my point!
The fact of the matter is that both your parents care for you but they have very different ways of expressing themselves. So what if it's offensive. The way that they are acting could be due to their childhood.
Before going to China to visit my dad, i really didn't know that much about him either. I was barely attached to him in any way, shape or form. However, while i was there, i really got a sense of who he was and what he was doing. He really cares for us but he can only do so much through the internet.
Fortunately we have a very supportive group and your bf, chelsea, is a very good guy but just sometimes, call me crazy, but your family does have its way of making you feel good when you at the bottom of the pit.
You said that your mom told you that she gave up on you...imagine my famiy. My mom tells me that everyday...sheesh!
Anyways aaron...i'm sure you ranted about the same issue but really, you only have one mom....if you get annoyed just go listen to your putrid atomic kitten or your oh so passe s club 7. ;)
Miss you all
i need to work harder and fast!
My interview is coming up and i need to own it!
Chelsea: if you were in REAL trouble or injured, that is when you will realize that your family cares. I've met your mom and for that matter Aaron's too. And i know, that although you mom is sarcastic in her manner and indifferent in her tone, she does care. and you will see that she does when that time comes and then you will see that Lily is always right!
BTW i skimmed your posts so maybe you realized this already i don't know...but i stand by my point!
The fact of the matter is that both your parents care for you but they have very different ways of expressing themselves. So what if it's offensive. The way that they are acting could be due to their childhood.
Before going to China to visit my dad, i really didn't know that much about him either. I was barely attached to him in any way, shape or form. However, while i was there, i really got a sense of who he was and what he was doing. He really cares for us but he can only do so much through the internet.
Fortunately we have a very supportive group and your bf, chelsea, is a very good guy but just sometimes, call me crazy, but your family does have its way of making you feel good when you at the bottom of the pit.
You said that your mom told you that she gave up on you...imagine my famiy. My mom tells me that everyday...sheesh!
Anyways aaron...i'm sure you ranted about the same issue but really, you only have one mom....if you get annoyed just go listen to your putrid atomic kitten or your oh so passe s club 7. ;)
Miss you all
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Renig/reneg isn't a word!!!!!!
At last I have found someone that agrees with me. I don't really expect anyone besides Chelsea to understand what I mean, so it doesn't really matter, I guess. When my mom went to China, she also told me to stay home and "guard the house" from all the bad guys and robbers and whatever else. And I was just like, "Well, I have better things to do than just sit around and wait for the slim possibility of thieves breaking in and maybe killing me, so no."
Hey, and I also don't really know my parents either, or actually, come to think of it, I don't really know my family. I don't know when my sister is finishing school down in Alabama, I can't seem to remember her ever being in my life for the past few years. I don't know what's going on in Maggie's life because we never talk about that sort of thing. My dad has never really been a part of my life, so I can't say that I know all that much about him at all. And my mom... well, there is a lot I don't share with her simply because I know I'll just be met with resistance, rather that support or acceptance (I know I said this all before). I read a line in a book that said something like, "More and more, I find we are just strangers that happen to live together than a family". I think it describes my situation (and for some other people too) quite well.
Yeah, I've tried to understand why my mom is the way she is, but maybe it's just who she is. Maybe she's just the kind of person who doesn't really like gay people and probably won't. You (Ann) told me to listen to myself when I talk to her. Well, I think I would try my best to understand different situations and scenarios but my mom doesn't even do that. Am I supposed to be sympathetic for my mom's bad reaction when I even remotely mention something gay? I don't think I'm the one who is wrong in this situation. And yeah, Ann, you seem to be a lot closer to your parents than the rest of us, being an only child and all.
I guess I can try and see Lily's point of view on the whole family thing. Yes, they will always be there, but sometimes there are better people to confide in than them. Sure, you can lose friends but you can't lose family because the same blood runs in our veins, but we could always become estranged or cut ties with them, which is basically just letting them out of your life.
Doped up crack dealer that bombs civilians... that was funny. I can imagine me doing that though... is that creepy? Sigh...
I can't think of anything else to say so I'm going to end it here. Coca-cola tastes really bad and it burns my throat. I don't know why people still like it. Blah, blah, blah.... reneg isn't a word Ann. neither is renig. Haha
~~Aaron
Hey, and I also don't really know my parents either, or actually, come to think of it, I don't really know my family. I don't know when my sister is finishing school down in Alabama, I can't seem to remember her ever being in my life for the past few years. I don't know what's going on in Maggie's life because we never talk about that sort of thing. My dad has never really been a part of my life, so I can't say that I know all that much about him at all. And my mom... well, there is a lot I don't share with her simply because I know I'll just be met with resistance, rather that support or acceptance (I know I said this all before). I read a line in a book that said something like, "More and more, I find we are just strangers that happen to live together than a family". I think it describes my situation (and for some other people too) quite well.
Yeah, I've tried to understand why my mom is the way she is, but maybe it's just who she is. Maybe she's just the kind of person who doesn't really like gay people and probably won't. You (Ann) told me to listen to myself when I talk to her. Well, I think I would try my best to understand different situations and scenarios but my mom doesn't even do that. Am I supposed to be sympathetic for my mom's bad reaction when I even remotely mention something gay? I don't think I'm the one who is wrong in this situation. And yeah, Ann, you seem to be a lot closer to your parents than the rest of us, being an only child and all.
I guess I can try and see Lily's point of view on the whole family thing. Yes, they will always be there, but sometimes there are better people to confide in than them. Sure, you can lose friends but you can't lose family because the same blood runs in our veins, but we could always become estranged or cut ties with them, which is basically just letting them out of your life.
Doped up crack dealer that bombs civilians... that was funny. I can imagine me doing that though... is that creepy? Sigh...
I can't think of anything else to say so I'm going to end it here. Coca-cola tastes really bad and it burns my throat. I don't know why people still like it. Blah, blah, blah.... reneg isn't a word Ann. neither is renig. Haha
~~Aaron
Thursday, June 14, 2007
man, studying sucks
yeah i'm supposed to be studying as well (my final is today! ha! beat that ann!!!) but i'm taking a quick break.
ann, i get what you're saying... but aarie, i TOTALLY get what you're saying. it's like that thing about calling everyday at a specific time my parents were talking about...? remember? i was trying to explain why emailing is better and they kept using false... false... kind of, examples to back their side... that didn't even make sense... it was like, a circle of false logic! and i'm serious, it really didn't make sense, and i understood what they meant but it wasn't logical!
anyways, you know what i'm talking about, aarie... hopefully. if not, i'll tell you the story AGAIN (god, i hate telling that story 'cause i makes me so mad)...
but like, i completely totally understand what you mean when you talk about your mom... yesterday, i was talking to dan's mom about things while dan was at band practice/audition and we talked about like... everything. we've talked about like, how she and dan's dad met and like... their trips they've gone on and their families (dan's dad's parents live in ontario) and... i don't know, just normal things. what made me really sad was when she was talking about dan's dad's potential retirement plans (it's optional) and then she asked me about MY dad... and i realised, i have no idea!
i don't know my parents! i have no idea who they are... god, i know... this guy in my cell bio class better than my parents!
it made me so sad i had to try hard not to cry (i was pretty emo yesterday... i blame my dropping levels of estrogen and progesterone)... the thing is, i kind of realised... well, not really "realised" it was more of "acknowledged" that it wasn't really because i hadn't tried... my parents have always discouraged me from asking them questions. i remember when i was really young whenever someone would ask "how old are you?" and then i'd answer and ask them right back "how old are YOU?" and my parents would freak and go "that's rude! don't ask that!"
and i swear they were like that for everything... and whenever i asked them qs about like, anything about them they would get uncomfortable or tell me that curiosity killed the cat, etc. so now what? i don't bother asking anymore. so ann, although i understand what you're saying, sometimes repairing relationships with people isn't that easy... talking to my parents at all about ANYTHING isn't easy... which is why i just don't. they don't want me to ask questions, they don't ask me questions, we just keep out of each other's way, basically. i know you're really close to your parents, ann, but i can't even sit down and talk to my parents about school without getting into an argument or else me just walking away (trying to avoid arguing) and feeling like shit. i really can't. i swear i talk to... like... maggie more than my dad. and i talk to maggie never. i'm not even kidding. just because everyone's happier that way.
my parents never call me names (well, once my dad called me a smartass, but that was a long time ago) but they just... they try to make it seem like i'm such a burden, that they give up so much for me, do so much for me, and i'm ungrateful for everything. and i'm not saying that i'm the most appreciate person ever, or even that they don't give me things... i just can't stand people TELLING ME that i'm basically a waste of their resources.
which is why i have a job. i know this probably sounds weird... but all the money i make (not spent on food... or clothes... though i don't buy much anymore), the savings i have that aren't going towards school are going to be used as a down payment (not rent... i'm buying!) for an appartment... no joke. and i mean, it's not like i'm anywhere close to being able to afford any shitty piece of real estate but like... it's something to work towards, y'know? it makes me feel good to know i'm at least trying... and don't think i'm not grateful for the fact that my dad works at ubc... because i know without that, i'd be relying on all my savings just to pay for school... but like... things will be better. i know they will.
i know you say you don't think too far into the future, aarie, but for me, it's what makes things worth doing. a lot of the time i feel like... right now, what can i do?
aarie, lily always tells me that i really can always count on family... whenever i protest, she insists... so i let it go. the thing is, i know i can count on my parents... for financial support and a place to stay. i know they will work hard for me... at the same time, though, i know they don't get me, they don't want to... i don't even know if they like me at all. really. my mom once told me she's given up on me and it hurt me more than she could know... and when ann and jo and i went to cali and i asked her if she'd miss me, she said no one would notice...
greeeeat, thanks mom. anyways, aarie. i DOOO know, however, i've got you guys and dan. you guys have never let me down when it was important, and i know no matter how badly i screw up, i know i'll still have someone there... this is kinda silly, i know, but sometimes when i get nervous for an exam, i just remind myself that it doesn't matter how i do because the people that care don't judge me by a scoresheet.
and then i take a deep breath and just go for it as best as i know how.
aarie, do something that makes you happy. if you want to go back to school, GO FOR IT. for now... i don't know, i think working is fun sometimes. i would if i were you, probably... but don't go for something like... serious, necessarily. if i were you, i'd try to get a job somewhere really... interesting. like a cake shop or something! :)
aarie, don't let family get you down... just write it down, cry it out, let go... then move on to something more deserving of your attention.
if you think you can change how your mom feels or would even like to try, have a talk with her. i've decided my parents are best left the way they are until something comes up. *shrugs* deal with it how you may, just don't let things get in your way of... well, as i like to say "do what you think is 'right'"... even if it's harder... go ahead.
crap, this is a long post... sorry. i keep... rambling. i swear it's this "XBRITE TECHNOLOGY" monitor or something. it probably kills brain cells or something... i don't know, i can never remember what i'm trying tosay. anyhow, aarie, when i get upset with, before i do something bad, i just try to finish what we've got asap and go for a walk with dan to talk it out or something, or at LEAST write it down... then go back to it later.
i will be here for you no matter what aarie.
well maybe not if you become some sort of crazy doped up crack dealer that exploits children and like... bombs civilians... but you know what i mean. there are limits!!! i can't follow you all the way to crazy!!!
oh and i'll go on a date with you! sure :) after saturday at noon though!
-chels
ann, i get what you're saying... but aarie, i TOTALLY get what you're saying. it's like that thing about calling everyday at a specific time my parents were talking about...? remember? i was trying to explain why emailing is better and they kept using false... false... kind of, examples to back their side... that didn't even make sense... it was like, a circle of false logic! and i'm serious, it really didn't make sense, and i understood what they meant but it wasn't logical!
anyways, you know what i'm talking about, aarie... hopefully. if not, i'll tell you the story AGAIN (god, i hate telling that story 'cause i makes me so mad)...
but like, i completely totally understand what you mean when you talk about your mom... yesterday, i was talking to dan's mom about things while dan was at band practice/audition and we talked about like... everything. we've talked about like, how she and dan's dad met and like... their trips they've gone on and their families (dan's dad's parents live in ontario) and... i don't know, just normal things. what made me really sad was when she was talking about dan's dad's potential retirement plans (it's optional) and then she asked me about MY dad... and i realised, i have no idea!
i don't know my parents! i have no idea who they are... god, i know... this guy in my cell bio class better than my parents!
it made me so sad i had to try hard not to cry (i was pretty emo yesterday... i blame my dropping levels of estrogen and progesterone)... the thing is, i kind of realised... well, not really "realised" it was more of "acknowledged" that it wasn't really because i hadn't tried... my parents have always discouraged me from asking them questions. i remember when i was really young whenever someone would ask "how old are you?" and then i'd answer and ask them right back "how old are YOU?" and my parents would freak and go "that's rude! don't ask that!"
and i swear they were like that for everything... and whenever i asked them qs about like, anything about them they would get uncomfortable or tell me that curiosity killed the cat, etc. so now what? i don't bother asking anymore. so ann, although i understand what you're saying, sometimes repairing relationships with people isn't that easy... talking to my parents at all about ANYTHING isn't easy... which is why i just don't. they don't want me to ask questions, they don't ask me questions, we just keep out of each other's way, basically. i know you're really close to your parents, ann, but i can't even sit down and talk to my parents about school without getting into an argument or else me just walking away (trying to avoid arguing) and feeling like shit. i really can't. i swear i talk to... like... maggie more than my dad. and i talk to maggie never. i'm not even kidding. just because everyone's happier that way.
my parents never call me names (well, once my dad called me a smartass, but that was a long time ago) but they just... they try to make it seem like i'm such a burden, that they give up so much for me, do so much for me, and i'm ungrateful for everything. and i'm not saying that i'm the most appreciate person ever, or even that they don't give me things... i just can't stand people TELLING ME that i'm basically a waste of their resources.
which is why i have a job. i know this probably sounds weird... but all the money i make (not spent on food... or clothes... though i don't buy much anymore), the savings i have that aren't going towards school are going to be used as a down payment (not rent... i'm buying!) for an appartment... no joke. and i mean, it's not like i'm anywhere close to being able to afford any shitty piece of real estate but like... it's something to work towards, y'know? it makes me feel good to know i'm at least trying... and don't think i'm not grateful for the fact that my dad works at ubc... because i know without that, i'd be relying on all my savings just to pay for school... but like... things will be better. i know they will.
i know you say you don't think too far into the future, aarie, but for me, it's what makes things worth doing. a lot of the time i feel like... right now, what can i do?
aarie, lily always tells me that i really can always count on family... whenever i protest, she insists... so i let it go. the thing is, i know i can count on my parents... for financial support and a place to stay. i know they will work hard for me... at the same time, though, i know they don't get me, they don't want to... i don't even know if they like me at all. really. my mom once told me she's given up on me and it hurt me more than she could know... and when ann and jo and i went to cali and i asked her if she'd miss me, she said no one would notice...
greeeeat, thanks mom. anyways, aarie. i DOOO know, however, i've got you guys and dan. you guys have never let me down when it was important, and i know no matter how badly i screw up, i know i'll still have someone there... this is kinda silly, i know, but sometimes when i get nervous for an exam, i just remind myself that it doesn't matter how i do because the people that care don't judge me by a scoresheet.
and then i take a deep breath and just go for it as best as i know how.
aarie, do something that makes you happy. if you want to go back to school, GO FOR IT. for now... i don't know, i think working is fun sometimes. i would if i were you, probably... but don't go for something like... serious, necessarily. if i were you, i'd try to get a job somewhere really... interesting. like a cake shop or something! :)
aarie, don't let family get you down... just write it down, cry it out, let go... then move on to something more deserving of your attention.
if you think you can change how your mom feels or would even like to try, have a talk with her. i've decided my parents are best left the way they are until something comes up. *shrugs* deal with it how you may, just don't let things get in your way of... well, as i like to say "do what you think is 'right'"... even if it's harder... go ahead.
crap, this is a long post... sorry. i keep... rambling. i swear it's this "XBRITE TECHNOLOGY" monitor or something. it probably kills brain cells or something... i don't know, i can never remember what i'm trying tosay. anyhow, aarie, when i get upset with, before i do something bad, i just try to finish what we've got asap and go for a walk with dan to talk it out or something, or at LEAST write it down... then go back to it later.
i will be here for you no matter what aarie.
well maybe not if you become some sort of crazy doped up crack dealer that exploits children and like... bombs civilians... but you know what i mean. there are limits!!! i can't follow you all the way to crazy!!!
oh and i'll go on a date with you! sure :) after saturday at noon though!
-chels
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
alright, i'm supposed to be studying for my midterm (what else is new) but i'll make an exception for you aaron. I don't mean to sound annoying, but have you ever shifted perspectives completely and thought about how your actions or words pains you mom? How you're always on her mind when your out with us, and she constantly worry about you, which is why she always wants to know where you are. I don't wanna come off as being mad or anything, cause i'm not, but being a good parent is REALLY hard, just look at how many ppl screw it up. So i assume that both of you have made numerous attempts and are problly tired of trying, but i think if either of you give up, that'll be the end of any possibility of a functional relationship. Imagine if you were a parent, and you had a son who's views differ as much as your's do with your mom, how would you handle it? What would happen with that relationship? I guess i'm saying that you have to make your mom feel that you want her to understand you, to know what's going on in your life. And i think if your mom can't speak english, then you can try to speak cantonese with her (i speak mandarin to my mom). I don't know if any of this is helping you...okay, i have a technique that i learned in my psych class...now, you don't have to use this, it's just something i want you to know. (see, i can be your shrink with a fraction of the cost) it's called the empty chair technique:
you get a chair and do some role playing (no it's not what you think..) first you imagine that your mom is sitting in the chair and you say whatever you want to "her", then you sit in the chair and pretend that you are your mom and you (as the mom) are listening to what you (as aaron) just said to yourself (mom) (hope you're not too confuzzled..) this can possibly help you see things more directly in another perspective.
well anyhoo, i guess i broke your streak of your own posts in a row :P
ps. why are you looking for a date?
Ann
you get a chair and do some role playing (no it's not what you think..) first you imagine that your mom is sitting in the chair and you say whatever you want to "her", then you sit in the chair and pretend that you are your mom and you (as the mom) are listening to what you (as aaron) just said to yourself (mom) (hope you're not too confuzzled..) this can possibly help you see things more directly in another perspective.
well anyhoo, i guess i broke your streak of your own posts in a row :P
ps. why are you looking for a date?
Ann
Monday, June 11, 2007
You can always count on family
So, that makes it three posts in a row by me. Hooray.
Words that I find are very strong: hate, fag, useless, stupid, pathetic, forgive, understand
Words that have been said to me in the last 2 days: stupid, useless
Spoken by: my grandpa (in both English and Cantonese), my mom
The moral of the story: Family is always the place to turn to when you want to feel like crap. That's how they've always worked.
I was supposed to come out to my dad on Sunday, but he left early. Maybe I'll do it next week.
My mom was being such a... I don't know. She kept asking me about Maggie's life and I kept saying, "Well, why don't you just ask her?!?!" Then she said that she thought Maggie and I were super duper close and that we talked about everything, which is obviously not the case. I told her that Maggie and I don't talk to her about things because my mom just DOES NOT understand certain things. She doesn't even take the time to ever see our points of views on things; she's just really stubborn. And then she said that I don't understand, which totally is what I meant, and then she called me useless for not knowing what goes on in my sister's life, even though some things are just not for me to know. I try to tell her that she doesn't understand things, and then she doesn't even understand what I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!! Ugh.... God, I'm so frustrated. I look around at all your parents, and at the very least they actually understand the english language and have some kind of Western influence on them, but then I see my mom and she's just like an ESL student or something. She just doesn't really fit in here, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I don't want her to white-wash herself or anything, but she just doesn't even make the effort to try and get to know or understand things. She says she does, but she doesn't!!!!!! Arrrrrgh.... I'm so angry. Maybe I should've gone off to Toronto so I wouldn't have to deal with all this shit. Haha, shit isn't underlined. Anyway, i'm sure you guys are tired of reading my stupid little rants and are thinking that I should just shut the hell up and get a friggin job (Lily, most likely)
Let's see if I can make it four in a row.
~~Aaron
PS Who wants to go on a date with me? (I don't mean as my date, I mean with me on a date-ish excursion)
Words that I find are very strong: hate, fag, useless, stupid, pathetic, forgive, understand
Words that have been said to me in the last 2 days: stupid, useless
Spoken by: my grandpa (in both English and Cantonese), my mom
The moral of the story: Family is always the place to turn to when you want to feel like crap. That's how they've always worked.
I was supposed to come out to my dad on Sunday, but he left early. Maybe I'll do it next week.
My mom was being such a... I don't know. She kept asking me about Maggie's life and I kept saying, "Well, why don't you just ask her?!?!" Then she said that she thought Maggie and I were super duper close and that we talked about everything, which is obviously not the case. I told her that Maggie and I don't talk to her about things because my mom just DOES NOT understand certain things. She doesn't even take the time to ever see our points of views on things; she's just really stubborn. And then she said that I don't understand, which totally is what I meant, and then she called me useless for not knowing what goes on in my sister's life, even though some things are just not for me to know. I try to tell her that she doesn't understand things, and then she doesn't even understand what I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!! Ugh.... God, I'm so frustrated. I look around at all your parents, and at the very least they actually understand the english language and have some kind of Western influence on them, but then I see my mom and she's just like an ESL student or something. She just doesn't really fit in here, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I don't want her to white-wash herself or anything, but she just doesn't even make the effort to try and get to know or understand things. She says she does, but she doesn't!!!!!! Arrrrrgh.... I'm so angry. Maybe I should've gone off to Toronto so I wouldn't have to deal with all this shit. Haha, shit isn't underlined. Anyway, i'm sure you guys are tired of reading my stupid little rants and are thinking that I should just shut the hell up and get a friggin job (Lily, most likely)
Let's see if I can make it four in a row.
~~Aaron
PS Who wants to go on a date with me? (I don't mean as my date, I mean with me on a date-ish excursion)
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
I'M GAY! I'M GAY! I'M GAY! I'M GAY! I'M GAY!
I can't see what i'm typing but I don't care
I feel really really really stupid right now, for no good reason either.
I feel really irrelevant, so unimportant, just like I did back in Grade 7 when I went through my little crisis back at camp.
I don't know what to do because I don't feel I can make a difference in this world... like I'm only one person and everything that I say or do is utterly insignificant and useless.
I have a strange desire to try and find all the people I used to know back in elementary school... back when times seemed easier and carefree, like we didn't know what we would be getting ourselves into eventually. I feel the only way to try and do this feat is to sign up at facebook, but I don't want to do that.
I held hands with another boy on the weekend. We were walking in a park... people gave us weird looks. I was thrilled yet terrified at the same time. I didn't tell anyone because there didn't seem to be a good time to tell... plus, everyone was up to their own things, going through the motions... or life as we all seem to call it. What good is a life if you're just simply getting by? How can you call that a life?
You know the only reason any of us actually exist is because we were born... I mean, bred. That is the only purpose of life. Does this mean I am utterly incompetent? Why am I still here?
I said before that I wanted to jump off a cliff once. I think people misunderstood me. I wanted to jump off a cliff and die. That's what I meant. I wanted to just let go of everything I ever knew, to just be completely free, to be finally released from this world,... that didn't happen, though.
I keep thinking that there are infinite universes out there and in each universe it plays out every single action that could have happened. This is called the parallel universe theory or something... Jeff Corber explained it back in Grade 12 English.
Am I stupid for thinking this way? When people are more concerned about Paris Hilton's time in jail than the threat of the planet completely going to shit because of the lack of intelligence in this goddamn world. Great lineup of priorities here people.
I remember when I was in Grade 3 and I went around the playground screaming, "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" and everyone ignored me... but then I said it to one of the supervisors in the vicinity and she lectured me on how I was wrong, that the only meaning "gay" meant was happy, and that I should never think about it in any other way. I remember crying badly in front of her, because I couldn't understand why she was telling me that part of me, that I was wrong. I didn't understand why she was trying to change my mind, but I can understand it now, because who wants a kid that's gay right? My mom certainly doesn't... she may not hate me for being gay, but she doesn't like it. She said I was "sick"... I don't understand how anyone can believe such crap.
People don't seem to realize how hard it is to be gay in this world. Sure you can imagine, but you don't really know. You don't what it's like to hide yourself for so many years, to never tell anyone,
ANYONE who you really are for fear they might hurt you or leave you or stop being your friend because you're seen as a gross, indecent, pervert of somekind who should be hung or burnt like they used to do back then. They used to burn gay people a long time ago and called the bundle of sticks used to burn them "fags"... gradually the word evolved to mean a gay person.
I finished watching the Hollywood version of "the Laramie Project" and I was really sad because I realised that people not only beat you up, but kill... they take your life away, they murder you because you are born the way you're born. People are dying because of who they are, something they cannot change and nothing is happening because of it. The world can be filled with such hate-filled people, but why? Is it so hard to see things from our side? To have YOU beaten, tied to a fence and left for dead in the cold winter with blood all over your body because of the way you were born? How is that fair? How can anyone do that? Worse yet, how can anyone defend that? How is any of this possible? And yet it somehow is.
Going back to the closet thing... I remember when I figured out I was gay. I remember telling myself that this would be one thing I could never tell anyone. Ever. I remember telling myself it would be easy. There were times when I just wanted to scream like I did back in grade 3.
I remember in Grade 9 when Catherine Quinn was sitting near me and she asked me who I had a crush on. I didn't know what to say. She wanted me to tell her, but I couldn't do that without outing myself., which I knew I wasn't read to do. She asked me what colour hair SHE had. I responded by flinching at the question. Of course she didn't notice it, but I felt stupid again.
I remember going to Mass in elementary school every Fridays and sometimes I would line myself up next to this boy I liked, because there was a point in mass when we all held hands. I almost told him I was gay but I didn't because I was sure he wouldn't know how to respond.
I remember in Grade 9 when Sam Hsu would make fun of me, when he used to call me "faggie". I remember when this one time where I called Maggie that. I felt like the biggest jerk and dumbass in the world and I wish I hadn't said that.
I remember when my uncle from Hong Kong came to visit and we were driving near downtown and he asked if Davie Street was a street full of gay people and my mom said yes and he gave this look and sigh that said, "What the hell is wrong with the world?"
i remember when my uncle from New york told me to not be so "girly"... that if I didn't stop it, I would be sure to get beaten up in high school because no one likes guys who act feminine. I hate him.
I remember my uncle on my dad's side who told me girls only wore bracelets after he saw me wearing the blue ones Chelsea gave to me. I wanted to punch him in the face because he was being such a dumbfucker.
I hate how everyone has tried to change me. I hate that no one will ever be satisfied with who I am, except me but that's never enough, though it should be.
I remember when Lily said "You are gay" when we were playing a game in Grade 10 on the third floor. I remember her apologizing and saying she was not a good friend.
I remember when I came out. you have no idea how it felt. You will never know how it felt. I remember planning it out in my head, that I was going to say it in front of my friends. I remember how Lily was supposed to be there but she had to go home early or something. I remember being chased around the field because I wasn't able to say it.
I don't remember actually saying it.
I remember when I told my mom and how she said that she would love me no matter what, because I was her son. I wonder now if she really means that. She may not like the fact that I'm gay but she doesn't support me at all. She's never made an attempt to try and understand. When I cam out, she asked who or what did this to me. Do you see what I have to put up with?
She asked if it was the Wicca that "changed' me. She begged for me to try and go on dates with Maggie's friends (ie you guys) and that I should just try. TRY. TRY to be normal. TRY for her to be someone I know I can't be, nor will ever become. I remember having the guitar there, and me crying so much. I remember such relief from it. And then after, only a few weeks later, it was just th e same. We never talk about it. She just tells me that I will change one of these days. She thinks I'm sick in the head and that if I concentrate on school enough, it will go away. She just old me this a few days ago. She refuses to see any other point of view. She doesn't even try to believe that I may be right in what I"m saying. I'm the one who is gay. Shouldn't I know more about this?
I remember when she saw that magazine Chelsea bought for me. I could practically see her mind thinking it was a porno mag or something. She told me to get rid of it.
If i"m watching a movie where there just so happens to be a shirtless guy or something, she'll stick around and watch a bit more until she's convinced I'm not watching some gay-themed movie or anything. And yet, she went to see Brokeback Mountain in theaters with Maggie. I think she only did it because she read about Ang Lee.
I have no more to say. I wish the world wasn't such screwed up. People are taking the word "fag" too lightly and it disgusts me. It shouldn't be this way... it shouldn't be this way.
Did you know that gay teenagers are 3 times more likely to kill themselves than straight teens? It's really sad.
~~Aaron
PS I've typed so much... I hope you all read it and I still cannnot see the writing. I hope some of this has made an impact of somekind.
I feel a lot better... but I still feel stupid.
I feel really really really stupid right now, for no good reason either.
I feel really irrelevant, so unimportant, just like I did back in Grade 7 when I went through my little crisis back at camp.
I don't know what to do because I don't feel I can make a difference in this world... like I'm only one person and everything that I say or do is utterly insignificant and useless.
I have a strange desire to try and find all the people I used to know back in elementary school... back when times seemed easier and carefree, like we didn't know what we would be getting ourselves into eventually. I feel the only way to try and do this feat is to sign up at facebook, but I don't want to do that.
I held hands with another boy on the weekend. We were walking in a park... people gave us weird looks. I was thrilled yet terrified at the same time. I didn't tell anyone because there didn't seem to be a good time to tell... plus, everyone was up to their own things, going through the motions... or life as we all seem to call it. What good is a life if you're just simply getting by? How can you call that a life?
You know the only reason any of us actually exist is because we were born... I mean, bred. That is the only purpose of life. Does this mean I am utterly incompetent? Why am I still here?
I said before that I wanted to jump off a cliff once. I think people misunderstood me. I wanted to jump off a cliff and die. That's what I meant. I wanted to just let go of everything I ever knew, to just be completely free, to be finally released from this world,... that didn't happen, though.
I keep thinking that there are infinite universes out there and in each universe it plays out every single action that could have happened. This is called the parallel universe theory or something... Jeff Corber explained it back in Grade 12 English.
Am I stupid for thinking this way? When people are more concerned about Paris Hilton's time in jail than the threat of the planet completely going to shit because of the lack of intelligence in this goddamn world. Great lineup of priorities here people.
I remember when I was in Grade 3 and I went around the playground screaming, "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" and everyone ignored me... but then I said it to one of the supervisors in the vicinity and she lectured me on how I was wrong, that the only meaning "gay" meant was happy, and that I should never think about it in any other way. I remember crying badly in front of her, because I couldn't understand why she was telling me that part of me, that I was wrong. I didn't understand why she was trying to change my mind, but I can understand it now, because who wants a kid that's gay right? My mom certainly doesn't... she may not hate me for being gay, but she doesn't like it. She said I was "sick"... I don't understand how anyone can believe such crap.
People don't seem to realize how hard it is to be gay in this world. Sure you can imagine, but you don't really know. You don't what it's like to hide yourself for so many years, to never tell anyone,
ANYONE who you really are for fear they might hurt you or leave you or stop being your friend because you're seen as a gross, indecent, pervert of somekind who should be hung or burnt like they used to do back then. They used to burn gay people a long time ago and called the bundle of sticks used to burn them "fags"... gradually the word evolved to mean a gay person.
I finished watching the Hollywood version of "the Laramie Project" and I was really sad because I realised that people not only beat you up, but kill... they take your life away, they murder you because you are born the way you're born. People are dying because of who they are, something they cannot change and nothing is happening because of it. The world can be filled with such hate-filled people, but why? Is it so hard to see things from our side? To have YOU beaten, tied to a fence and left for dead in the cold winter with blood all over your body because of the way you were born? How is that fair? How can anyone do that? Worse yet, how can anyone defend that? How is any of this possible? And yet it somehow is.
Going back to the closet thing... I remember when I figured out I was gay. I remember telling myself that this would be one thing I could never tell anyone. Ever. I remember telling myself it would be easy. There were times when I just wanted to scream like I did back in grade 3.
I remember in Grade 9 when Catherine Quinn was sitting near me and she asked me who I had a crush on. I didn't know what to say. She wanted me to tell her, but I couldn't do that without outing myself., which I knew I wasn't read to do. She asked me what colour hair SHE had. I responded by flinching at the question. Of course she didn't notice it, but I felt stupid again.
I remember going to Mass in elementary school every Fridays and sometimes I would line myself up next to this boy I liked, because there was a point in mass when we all held hands. I almost told him I was gay but I didn't because I was sure he wouldn't know how to respond.
I remember in Grade 9 when Sam Hsu would make fun of me, when he used to call me "faggie". I remember when this one time where I called Maggie that. I felt like the biggest jerk and dumbass in the world and I wish I hadn't said that.
I remember when my uncle from Hong Kong came to visit and we were driving near downtown and he asked if Davie Street was a street full of gay people and my mom said yes and he gave this look and sigh that said, "What the hell is wrong with the world?"
i remember when my uncle from New york told me to not be so "girly"... that if I didn't stop it, I would be sure to get beaten up in high school because no one likes guys who act feminine. I hate him.
I remember my uncle on my dad's side who told me girls only wore bracelets after he saw me wearing the blue ones Chelsea gave to me. I wanted to punch him in the face because he was being such a dumbfucker.
I hate how everyone has tried to change me. I hate that no one will ever be satisfied with who I am, except me but that's never enough, though it should be.
I remember when Lily said "You are gay" when we were playing a game in Grade 10 on the third floor. I remember her apologizing and saying she was not a good friend.
I remember when I came out. you have no idea how it felt. You will never know how it felt. I remember planning it out in my head, that I was going to say it in front of my friends. I remember how Lily was supposed to be there but she had to go home early or something. I remember being chased around the field because I wasn't able to say it.
I don't remember actually saying it.
I remember when I told my mom and how she said that she would love me no matter what, because I was her son. I wonder now if she really means that. She may not like the fact that I'm gay but she doesn't support me at all. She's never made an attempt to try and understand. When I cam out, she asked who or what did this to me. Do you see what I have to put up with?
She asked if it was the Wicca that "changed' me. She begged for me to try and go on dates with Maggie's friends (ie you guys) and that I should just try. TRY. TRY to be normal. TRY for her to be someone I know I can't be, nor will ever become. I remember having the guitar there, and me crying so much. I remember such relief from it. And then after, only a few weeks later, it was just th e same. We never talk about it. She just tells me that I will change one of these days. She thinks I'm sick in the head and that if I concentrate on school enough, it will go away. She just old me this a few days ago. She refuses to see any other point of view. She doesn't even try to believe that I may be right in what I"m saying. I'm the one who is gay. Shouldn't I know more about this?
I remember when she saw that magazine Chelsea bought for me. I could practically see her mind thinking it was a porno mag or something. She told me to get rid of it.
If i"m watching a movie where there just so happens to be a shirtless guy or something, she'll stick around and watch a bit more until she's convinced I'm not watching some gay-themed movie or anything. And yet, she went to see Brokeback Mountain in theaters with Maggie. I think she only did it because she read about Ang Lee.
I have no more to say. I wish the world wasn't such screwed up. People are taking the word "fag" too lightly and it disgusts me. It shouldn't be this way... it shouldn't be this way.
Did you know that gay teenagers are 3 times more likely to kill themselves than straight teens? It's really sad.
~~Aaron
PS I've typed so much... I hope you all read it and I still cannnot see the writing. I hope some of this has made an impact of somekind.
I feel a lot better... but I still feel stupid.
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