I'M GAY! I'M GAY! I'M GAY! I'M GAY! I'M GAY!

I can't see what i'm typing but I don't care


I feel really really really stupid right now, for no good reason either.
I feel really irrelevant, so unimportant, just like I did back in Grade 7 when I went through my little crisis back at camp.

I don't know what to do because I don't feel I can make a difference in this world... like I'm only one person and everything that I say or do is utterly insignificant and useless.

I have a strange desire to try and find all the people I used to know back in elementary school... back when times seemed easier and carefree, like we didn't know what we would be getting ourselves into eventually. I feel the only way to try and do this feat is to sign up at facebook, but I don't want to do that.

I held hands with another boy on the weekend. We were walking in a park... people gave us weird looks. I was thrilled yet terrified at the same time. I didn't tell anyone because there didn't seem to be a good time to tell... plus, everyone was up to their own things, going through the motions... or life as we all seem to call it. What good is a life if you're just simply getting by? How can you call that a life?

You know the only reason any of us actually exist is because we were born... I mean, bred. That is the only purpose of life. Does this mean I am utterly incompetent? Why am I still here?

I said before that I wanted to jump off a cliff once. I think people misunderstood me. I wanted to jump off a cliff and die. That's what I meant. I wanted to just let go of everything I ever knew, to just be completely free, to be finally released from this world,... that didn't happen, though.

I keep thinking that there are infinite universes out there and in each universe it plays out every single action that could have happened. This is called the parallel universe theory or something... Jeff Corber explained it back in Grade 12 English.

Am I stupid for thinking this way? When people are more concerned about Paris Hilton's time in jail than the threat of the planet completely going to shit because of the lack of intelligence in this goddamn world. Great lineup of priorities here people.


I remember when I was in Grade 3 and I went around the playground screaming, "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" and everyone ignored me... but then I said it to one of the supervisors in the vicinity and she lectured me on how I was wrong, that the only meaning "gay" meant was happy, and that I should never think about it in any other way. I remember crying badly in front of her, because I couldn't understand why she was telling me that part of me, that I was wrong. I didn't understand why she was trying to change my mind, but I can understand it now, because who wants a kid that's gay right? My mom certainly doesn't... she may not hate me for being gay, but she doesn't like it. She said I was "sick"... I don't understand how anyone can believe such crap.

People don't seem to realize how hard it is to be gay in this world. Sure you can imagine, but you don't really know. You don't what it's like to hide yourself for so many years, to never tell anyone,
ANYONE who you really are for fear they might hurt you or leave you or stop being your friend because you're seen as a gross, indecent, pervert of somekind who should be hung or burnt like they used to do back then. They used to burn gay people a long time ago and called the bundle of sticks used to burn them "fags"... gradually the word evolved to mean a gay person.

I finished watching the Hollywood version of "the Laramie Project" and I was really sad because I realised that people not only beat you up, but kill... they take your life away, they murder you because you are born the way you're born. People are dying because of who they are, something they cannot change and nothing is happening because of it. The world can be filled with such hate-filled people, but why? Is it so hard to see things from our side? To have YOU beaten, tied to a fence and left for dead in the cold winter with blood all over your body because of the way you were born? How is that fair? How can anyone do that? Worse yet, how can anyone defend that? How is any of this possible? And yet it somehow is.

Going back to the closet thing... I remember when I figured out I was gay. I remember telling myself that this would be one thing I could never tell anyone. Ever. I remember telling myself it would be easy. There were times when I just wanted to scream like I did back in grade 3.

I remember in Grade 9 when Catherine Quinn was sitting near me and she asked me who I had a crush on. I didn't know what to say. She wanted me to tell her, but I couldn't do that without outing myself., which I knew I wasn't read to do. She asked me what colour hair SHE had. I responded by flinching at the question. Of course she didn't notice it, but I felt stupid again.

I remember going to Mass in elementary school every Fridays and sometimes I would line myself up next to this boy I liked, because there was a point in mass when we all held hands. I almost told him I was gay but I didn't because I was sure he wouldn't know how to respond.

I remember in Grade 9 when Sam Hsu would make fun of me, when he used to call me "faggie". I remember when this one time where I called Maggie that. I felt like the biggest jerk and dumbass in the world and I wish I hadn't said that.

I remember when my uncle from Hong Kong came to visit and we were driving near downtown and he asked if Davie Street was a street full of gay people and my mom said yes and he gave this look and sigh that said, "What the hell is wrong with the world?"

i remember when my uncle from New york told me to not be so "girly"... that if I didn't stop it, I would be sure to get beaten up in high school because no one likes guys who act feminine. I hate him.

I remember my uncle on my dad's side who told me girls only wore bracelets after he saw me wearing the blue ones Chelsea gave to me. I wanted to punch him in the face because he was being such a dumbfucker.

I hate how everyone has tried to change me. I hate that no one will ever be satisfied with who I am, except me but that's never enough, though it should be.

I remember when Lily said "You are gay" when we were playing a game in Grade 10 on the third floor. I remember her apologizing and saying she was not a good friend.

I remember when I came out. you have no idea how it felt. You will never know how it felt. I remember planning it out in my head, that I was going to say it in front of my friends. I remember how Lily was supposed to be there but she had to go home early or something. I remember being chased around the field because I wasn't able to say it.

I don't remember actually saying it.

I remember when I told my mom and how she said that she would love me no matter what, because I was her son. I wonder now if she really means that. She may not like the fact that I'm gay but she doesn't support me at all. She's never made an attempt to try and understand. When I cam out, she asked who or what did this to me. Do you see what I have to put up with?

She asked if it was the Wicca that "changed' me. She begged for me to try and go on dates with Maggie's friends (ie you guys) and that I should just try. TRY. TRY to be normal. TRY for her to be someone I know I can't be, nor will ever become. I remember having the guitar there, and me crying so much. I remember such relief from it. And then after, only a few weeks later, it was just th e same. We never talk about it. She just tells me that I will change one of these days. She thinks I'm sick in the head and that if I concentrate on school enough, it will go away. She just old me this a few days ago. She refuses to see any other point of view. She doesn't even try to believe that I may be right in what I"m saying. I'm the one who is gay. Shouldn't I know more about this?

I remember when she saw that magazine Chelsea bought for me. I could practically see her mind thinking it was a porno mag or something. She told me to get rid of it.

If i"m watching a movie where there just so happens to be a shirtless guy or something, she'll stick around and watch a bit more until she's convinced I'm not watching some gay-themed movie or anything. And yet, she went to see Brokeback Mountain in theaters with Maggie. I think she only did it because she read about Ang Lee.

I have no more to say. I wish the world wasn't such screwed up. People are taking the word "fag" too lightly and it disgusts me. It shouldn't be this way... it shouldn't be this way.

Did you know that gay teenagers are 3 times more likely to kill themselves than straight teens? It's really sad.

~~Aaron

PS I've typed so much... I hope you all read it and I still cannnot see the writing. I hope some of this has made an impact of somekind.

I feel a lot better... but I still feel stupid.