yeah i'm supposed to be studying as well (my final is today! ha! beat that ann!!!) but i'm taking a quick break.
ann, i get what you're saying... but aarie, i TOTALLY get what you're saying. it's like that thing about calling everyday at a specific time my parents were talking about...? remember? i was trying to explain why emailing is better and they kept using false... false... kind of, examples to back their side... that didn't even make sense... it was like, a circle of false logic! and i'm serious, it really didn't make sense, and i understood what they meant but it wasn't logical!
anyways, you know what i'm talking about, aarie... hopefully. if not, i'll tell you the story AGAIN (god, i hate telling that story 'cause i makes me so mad)...
but like, i completely totally understand what you mean when you talk about your mom... yesterday, i was talking to dan's mom about things while dan was at band practice/audition and we talked about like... everything. we've talked about like, how she and dan's dad met and like... their trips they've gone on and their families (dan's dad's parents live in ontario) and... i don't know, just normal things. what made me really sad was when she was talking about dan's dad's potential retirement plans (it's optional) and then she asked me about MY dad... and i realised, i have no idea!
i don't know my parents! i have no idea who they are... god, i know... this guy in my cell bio class better than my parents!
it made me so sad i had to try hard not to cry (i was pretty emo yesterday... i blame my dropping levels of estrogen and progesterone)... the thing is, i kind of realised... well, not really "realised" it was more of "acknowledged" that it wasn't really because i hadn't tried... my parents have always discouraged me from asking them questions. i remember when i was really young whenever someone would ask "how old are you?" and then i'd answer and ask them right back "how old are YOU?" and my parents would freak and go "that's rude! don't ask that!"
and i swear they were like that for everything... and whenever i asked them qs about like, anything about them they would get uncomfortable or tell me that curiosity killed the cat, etc. so now what? i don't bother asking anymore. so ann, although i understand what you're saying, sometimes repairing relationships with people isn't that easy... talking to my parents at all about ANYTHING isn't easy... which is why i just don't. they don't want me to ask questions, they don't ask me questions, we just keep out of each other's way, basically. i know you're really close to your parents, ann, but i can't even sit down and talk to my parents about school without getting into an argument or else me just walking away (trying to avoid arguing) and feeling like shit. i really can't. i swear i talk to... like... maggie more than my dad. and i talk to maggie never. i'm not even kidding. just because everyone's happier that way.
my parents never call me names (well, once my dad called me a smartass, but that was a long time ago) but they just... they try to make it seem like i'm such a burden, that they give up so much for me, do so much for me, and i'm ungrateful for everything. and i'm not saying that i'm the most appreciate person ever, or even that they don't give me things... i just can't stand people TELLING ME that i'm basically a waste of their resources.
which is why i have a job. i know this probably sounds weird... but all the money i make (not spent on food... or clothes... though i don't buy much anymore), the savings i have that aren't going towards school are going to be used as a down payment (not rent... i'm buying!) for an appartment... no joke. and i mean, it's not like i'm anywhere close to being able to afford any shitty piece of real estate but like... it's something to work towards, y'know? it makes me feel good to know i'm at least trying... and don't think i'm not grateful for the fact that my dad works at ubc... because i know without that, i'd be relying on all my savings just to pay for school... but like... things will be better. i know they will.
i know you say you don't think too far into the future, aarie, but for me, it's what makes things worth doing. a lot of the time i feel like... right now, what can i do?
aarie, lily always tells me that i really can always count on family... whenever i protest, she insists... so i let it go. the thing is, i know i can count on my parents... for financial support and a place to stay. i know they will work hard for me... at the same time, though, i know they don't get me, they don't want to... i don't even know if they like me at all. really. my mom once told me she's given up on me and it hurt me more than she could know... and when ann and jo and i went to cali and i asked her if she'd miss me, she said no one would notice...
greeeeat, thanks mom. anyways, aarie. i DOOO know, however, i've got you guys and dan. you guys have never let me down when it was important, and i know no matter how badly i screw up, i know i'll still have someone there... this is kinda silly, i know, but sometimes when i get nervous for an exam, i just remind myself that it doesn't matter how i do because the people that care don't judge me by a scoresheet.
and then i take a deep breath and just go for it as best as i know how.
aarie, do something that makes you happy. if you want to go back to school, GO FOR IT. for now... i don't know, i think working is fun sometimes. i would if i were you, probably... but don't go for something like... serious, necessarily. if i were you, i'd try to get a job somewhere really... interesting. like a cake shop or something! :)
aarie, don't let family get you down... just write it down, cry it out, let go... then move on to something more deserving of your attention.
if you think you can change how your mom feels or would even like to try, have a talk with her. i've decided my parents are best left the way they are until something comes up. *shrugs* deal with it how you may, just don't let things get in your way of... well, as i like to say "do what you think is 'right'"... even if it's harder... go ahead.
crap, this is a long post... sorry. i keep... rambling. i swear it's this "XBRITE TECHNOLOGY" monitor or something. it probably kills brain cells or something... i don't know, i can never remember what i'm trying tosay. anyhow, aarie, when i get upset with, before i do something bad, i just try to finish what we've got asap and go for a walk with dan to talk it out or something, or at LEAST write it down... then go back to it later.
i will be here for you no matter what aarie.
well maybe not if you become some sort of crazy doped up crack dealer that exploits children and like... bombs civilians... but you know what i mean. there are limits!!! i can't follow you all the way to crazy!!!
oh and i'll go on a date with you! sure :) after saturday at noon though!
-chels
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