I'm going on a rant here because I'm angry right now.
So I was washing the dishes with my mom and usually nothing is ever said. But I made the effort this time to try and converse with her because I thought maybe this time it would be different. So i told her about today, how I got a phone call from one of the people who is organizing the Talent Showdown. At the initial auditions, I had be asked if I could lend my keyboard for another chick to use right after me, and I said that was fine. Both of us got through. In that phone call, she (organizer lady) told me that that girl who had previously borrowed my keyboard wanted to borrow it again because she only has a piano at home and that obviously she can't carry it there. The people at the talent showdown had apparently told everyone (all the contestants) to be prepared with your own instruments or whatever the hell else you need. But again, girl doesn't have a keyboard so she had asked them to ask me if it was alright. I probably should have cared more, but I would've felt like an a-hole if I denied her (although it would be funny to see what she would come up with after that). So I said basically, "yep, sure, whatever".
So I told my mom all of this and when I got to the first part of how that girl had asked me at the auditions and my mom commented, "Too bad!" and some other stuff too. When I got to the part about how they had asked me again today, she sort of looked at me and asked, "Did you say yes?" kinda thing. And then I told her that I had agreed, and she got kinda pissy at me and called me "foo hay" which i think translates to something along the lines of "don't care" or something. Maybe you know Lily?
Anyway, it was a small incident but it basically reinforced my belief of not telling her things going on in my life, simply because she doesn't understand, and she never will. Don't argue with me on this because I know my mom better than you guys. I'm pretty sure she'll always be in denial of the fact that I'm gay. So that pissed ME off.
I came to the realization that we're just two very, very different people. A lot of things that I say to her she won't understand (ie. insults, sarcasm, vocabulary/terms, slang, culture/society things, etc.) and therefore, I'll just be yelling at a wall. But I can understand everything she throws at me (for the most part) and I get so angry about that. I can't even yell at my mom without her knowing what I truly mean. Whatever, it's too late. She's not going to make the effort to understand me (even if she says so) and see things from my perspective, so I'm just not going to tell her things anymore.
And yeah, I know we sort of had this debate flying around before, but I needed somewhere to purge my thoughts, and I have 3 blogs, so I chose this one.
Oh, and remember when everyone came out to see my two weeks ago, including my mom? you remember how I was talking about my mom before I played that coming out song, right? Well, do you know what the first thing she said to me after I played it?
"Are you going home now?"
Apparently she said she couldn't hear me, but I don't care. I was so glad that my mom had finally come to see me, after I had been performing there for about 7 months, and she doesn't even understand what I'm talking about. Great... what a great feeling. And great support too, 7 months later.
I decided I'm not really going to give thanks to my parents if I get famous and everything. You know how people put on the inside of their CD's about who they want to thank. I decided I'm not really going to mention my parents. Yes, they did "raise" me (ie. mentally scar me for life) and paid (ie. forced me) to learn piano and give me a roof over my head and all but, musically? In terms of pursuing a career in music, no, they didn't like it, and there was no support there. Again, don't argue with me on this because I've gone through too many conversations about shit like this with my mom. My dad, who was practically non-existent in my life, wanted me to do something more "secure" and what was "in demand". He believes that if I choose a musical path, it won't pay well and all, which can be true, but it's what I want to do. My mom, who is completely musically illiterate, obviously can't even understand it. I think there was a time when she asked me, "Did I make the mistake of making you learn piano?" Well, if I didn't learn piano, I would be way more fucked up than what I am today. I would have no outlet for my anger, sadness, feelings. I wouldn't be able to appreciate music the way I do. Then I heard that one of my cousins is studying piano again and his mom (my aunt) is going to make him quit when he gets to Grade 8 or something so that he doesn't end up "crazy" (yes, crazy was the word my mom used to describe it) like me. In other words, she doesn't want him to even think about making a career out of music.
I'm proud to be Asian. I love the culture, the language, the history. What I absolutely hate is their narrow-minded beliefs; they think that only they can be right. There is no room for negotiation; they are right and they won't even begin to look at other people's opinions. It's just pathetic. I don't understand how some people can be just so... stupid. And it IS stupid. Part of being an informed person is getting information from different sources. If all you're relying on is your personal bias, then screw you. I don't want to hear from you because you don't have anything good to say.
I give up.
I'll probably tell my mom that I have a boyfriend who I met on the internet who lives in Kentucky and that I love him very much and he is very hot. And then I'll give up.
Sorry for all of that. I doubt any of you (besides Chelsea since she actually knows what I'm talking about!!!!!!!!!!!!) will understand what I mean.
I also just! realized that in some ways, Lily, you are like my mom (ie. Asian). I'll let you think about that.
~~Aaron
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