Goodbye, father

I made my dad cry.


I just got off the phone with him. He talked to my mom for a bit, and then I talked to him. He wanted to tell me some things, regarding the "choices" I've made. He talked about my choice to go to film school, and how difficult it was to find a good job in the industry; he mentioned how I had said I was bored at school for the first week, but that was only because the teachers were reading out course outlines, and I obviously don't really want to hear about it.

Then he told me about the "choice" I had made to be gay, that it was a preference. He wanted to warn me of 2 things associated with being gay:

1) I could get beaten up and killed if certain people found out who I am (which I already know)

2) I could get STD's for being gay. That's stupid, because STD's does not just target gay people, and besides, I'm not even in a relationship with anyone. I know well enough to do things safely... I volunteer at frickin' YouthCo AIDS Society!!!

So I sat there and listened to all of this; my own father saying that he was disappointed (yes, he said disappointed) that I was gay, or what I translated as, "I'm disappointed that you are who you are."

Then, he asked if I had anything to say, which I was burning to address. I didn't yell at him, no, I just pointed some things out, such as the fact that I believe sexual orientation is NOT a choice, nor a preference, that i did not choose to be this way. I told him what i thought of him: that it's great he's supporting me financially through school, but personally in my life, he's never been there, and now he's calling to tell me how I made these "choices" in my life, and hearing "Oh, when you were younger, we tried to tell you what to do but... you just wouldn't listen". And to hear from my own father that he's disappointed about "what I've become"... it's hard.

So he asked what I want from him. I told him this:

"I just want you to support me, in my choices, in my life. I want you to support me for being gay. I just want you to be happy that I'm happy."

And then, he said that in Chinese culture, being gay is not heard of, it basically doesn't exist, and it isn't supported.

"So to hear that my son is gay, why would I support that?"

I started tearing up after he said that because it was like a slap in the face, but I did not start crying, because I'm stronger than that. He continued, saying that he was brought up te "traditional Chinese way", that people like him are conservative, and beliefs like those are difficult to change or cast aside. I asked him, "can't you even try? For me?"

He told me that it's hard, and he doesn't want to "hurt himself". "How are you hurting yourself?!" I asked.

He proceeded to inform me yet again about the Chinese belief with the son in the family. The son carries on the family name when he goes and gets married and makes babies with a girl, and the cycle continues. He said that in my case, I won't be able to carry on the family name, "Chan", that it will basically die because of my "choice" to be gay. This is when he started to cry.

I told him that there were other options, like adoption. He replied, saying adoption isn't the "chinese way", which is highly ironic, because one of my aunts has adopted 2 girls and she's a friggin' bank manager. He said it wasn't the same, and I see his point. I disagree, but I see his point. For this reason, he said that he will now see me less, partly because I have a life now (well, sort of) and partly because everytime he sees me, he's reminded about how I've disappointed him.

We're just two different people. I told my mom what happened and she told me to look at his point of view, (which I did!!!!) but the thing is, my dad should be the one walking in my shoes.

Surprisingly (or not), I feel alright. I'm a little upset that my dad feels this way, but as sadistic as this sounds, it was my dad who broke, not me, and I revel in that.

It was a little awkward at times, but I held onto what I believe in, and I won't break down, for anyone. I know this is long, but the convo was long and I have things to say, so yeah.

You guys are so lucky you don't have to go through these chats. I envy you for that.

~~Aaron