my post (mostly about me!)

ann: that's fine (about the present) it's not like i'm mad or anything (how dare you????)

aaron: yep, i'm still up for it... i'll call you tonight (evening ish?) if you don't get a call (which very well may happen, knowing myself) call me, kay?

lily: thanks, study hard! (add oil! ...that's the expression, right? right???) almost done!



this morning when i woke up, i was really really nervous/apprehensive. now i think i'm okay.

i think this term was a really good, yet painful and tearful, learning experience for me. although i didn't get such great grades (probably equal to last year, but with a lot more effort and no more arts courses that i'm good at :( ), i really changed a lot of the way i work... at school, i mean.

having so much pressure on me forced me to quit my job (which i always knew was the right move for me, deep inside, but it was just so easy not to... y'know? i was just so comfortable), which was definitely a good decision, and totally change the way i study/work at school. i broke most of my harsh procrastination habits, and i keep up with assignments better. i'm more organized, and i feel better about it too.

this is all more of self reflection, btw, but i just wanted to get it down somewhere (i haven't used a journal in at least a year, now, but writing things down always makes me feel better). basically, i just feel like even if i messed up this term a bit (which i really hope i haven't, of course), the struggle i went through and the consequences i will have to deal with (hmmm... potentially retaking chem 233 in the summer with lily --not that lily is REtaking it, but just that she will be taking it and me too-- ... don't yell at me, lily!!! i'm trying!!!) are worth it. because now i know, and not only that, i really feel like i can do this (school). i just really really have to keep up and focus (which is hard for most people, i THINK).

i spent a lot of this term feeling sorry for myself and helpless. i hate that feeling, and i was pretty stressed out. but i learned so much about myself, my study habits, and the way i function at school. sometimes it's hard to always feel in control of my life (as i think it is for most people. i THINK). and sometimes things get really tough and even when i try my best, it doesn't seem good enough at all. i get frustrated and question my capabilities... and sometimes (although i told aaron not to do it!) it really is just easier to place responsibility of the badness on someone/something else; to blame the circumstances instead of myself.

but i do make my own decisions, and that is what puts me in these circumstances.

and now i not only know it, i feel it.

as india arie puts it:

And I choose to be the best that I can be.
I choose to be authentic in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

thanks for all the support, guys. i promise i will be better at... 2:35pm today :) (exam is 12 to 230)!

-chels