O is for Ominous

I think I've officially kissed a guy. And I feel bad about it. Here's what went down:

The World AIDS Day event yesterday was really cool and fun and still went on even with the snow. There weren't as many people as we had hoped, but it was a modest turnout. I set-up my keyboard with the help of this technician guy (cuz I obviously don't know what cord connects with what cord) They didn't give me a microphone, and I figured it was because even if I would be singing, I was only supposed to be background music (like at the art show). When it was my time to play, I didn't even introduce myself because I thought no one would hear me anyway, so I just started playing. La la la... the second song was a cover of "Mad World" and when I started singing (pretty loudly, I might add. That was kinda suprising) the technician guy started setting up a mic for me, which was cool. I screwed up the song though, which sucked, but people were supportive anyway. And then I played the French song, which was smoothly and my time was up. Hywel, one of the youth leaders, went on stage and introduced me as a "poet and singer/songwriter" (haha, poet) And the night proceeded from there.

Out of everyone that I had invited (everyone from e-mails, various people in my class, some people I used to work with at the Sun Yat-sen Garden) the only people that showed were my sister (and her bf), my mom (she had to drive me), and Conor, which was kind of surprising because he lives all the way in New West. My mom left after I was done (taking the keyboard with her), Maggie + bf left soon after her, and Conor stayed the rest of the night with me. By the time everything was done, it was around 10:15, which isn't very late, but Conor apparently has a curfew set at 10:30, and if left, he would probably get home at around 12:00 and his mom would be superbly pissed off. But if he were to stay over at someone's place she would probably yell at him less, and I offered to let him stay the night at my house.

So we got to my house (my mom didn't mind) and talked for a bit about things before we decided to head off to bed. He took my room and since Maggie wasn't coming home, I took her bed (which is way more comfy than mine, haha)

The next morning, Conor woke up before I did. My had gone out, so it was only the two of us in the house (you know something's going to happen...) We started the day not really doing anything much, but we were sort of affectionate towards each other (me leaning against him when playing on the piano, him having his hands around me) but nothing happened. My mom phoned later and told us to help shovel the sidewalk and the paths. So we bundled up and went outside. After the hard work, we played around in the snow (obviously) and it got playful at times, but nothing happened!

We went back inside, changed clothes and did some more stupid things. We ended up on my bed, talking about things, with me resting on his tummy and just cuddling. Eventually, that lead to some touching (ie. arms) which lead to more things (ie. under shirts) which lead to us making out... sort of. The bad thing is that I WAS thinking clearly the whole time. I didn't have the excuse of "oh, I was drunk... I didn't know what i was doing". I was wondering "Is this right? Am I doing the right thing? What should I do?" pretty much the entire time. So that went on for a while... the only thing I DID know was that I wasn't going to have sex with him. Not today, not this time. Thankfully, it didn't go that far. Apparently, we did that for like, 2 hours or something until my mom came home. I don't think she suspected anything.

After, I walked Conor to the bus stop (he was going to Joyce Station to get a ride from his mom) and we HAD to talk about what happened. Neither of us really knew what to do... I felt guilty because I still don't really see him as a boyfriend or whatever, but maybe just someone to make out with once in a while, which is exactly like Bekki's situation with Al (btw, she's no longer with him) and I would completely HATE myself if I ever did that, which it seems like I'm starting to do. When I told Conor this, he nodded, and I apologized. We still have to talk stuff out. I hope we're still okay.

I've thought about it a lot, and I've basically come down to two possible things I should do:

1) Give Conor a try. There's a possibility that I might actually like him, and it would make things easier for the both of us (then we don't have to be all secretly touchy and stuff)

The downside: if I do this, then I might still not see him that way, which would break his heart, and I don't want to do that.

or

2) Tell him that we should just not do that again. It's too confusing for the both of us and I should officially not want to do stuff like that with him again.

The downside: I might break his heart (well, sort of) if I do this, and there's a chance i might do it again, thus repeating the cycle of stupidity.

if anyone has any other advice, I'd like to hear it.

~~Aaron

PS. Thanks again for coming to the art show Chels.