kill me too

i feel like we're growing up so fast. we're all so different --the five of us-- yet we've all got something in common. that's what's keeping us together, right? and i mean, don't get me wrong, i love how diverse we are and the many ways our own experiences have shaped (and continue to shape) us, but sometimes i feel like we've gone so far and changed so much from the way we used to be that it scares me. both as a group as well as individually, we've all obviously made decisions and been put into situations that have changed our lives more significantly that we notice...

if you guys can't tell yet, this is probably going to be a long post. sorry in advance...

aaron, that must have been incredibly hard to bear with the complications of going out with someone who really cared for you yet was unable/unwilling (however you want to look at the situation) to let anyone else know. but aaron, ultimately, you know you didn't want to live your life like that, right? i mean, you personally. and if that's what you want my fave aarie, you deserve it. you're a good guy, and if you treat your boys with a fraction of the goodness you do your friends, i'm sure you're a great boyfriend. kem must have it pretty hard for him to be so... stuck. and maybe one day he'll change his mind. maybe he won't. but the fact that he says he's not ready to come out yet... nor does he know if he ever will be, well... aaron, you're my friend, and in my eyes, you should have someone ready to declare his undying love for you on national, publicly broadcasted television, if that's what you want.

random note, lily and i got our chem marks and did super (well, lily more so but i'm happy, haha) :) oh yeah and we didn't get jackie :( because she was doing research. we had Dr. Lermer (he doesn't usually teach here though)

okay, back to mucky bleh relationship talk. you guys don't actually need to read this, just to let you know. i just have to unload some crap. i stop writing in a diary a while back, and with that, i lost a bit of myself. i know that sounds ridiculously, horribly, disgustingly cliche and stupid but i find clarity in writing. "blah blah blah, do i ever shut up?" my brain wonders...

so i had a long... ish talk with dan yesterday. i mean, it's not like we don't usually talk, it's just that we had a serious talk about our relationship, specifically. so just to get us on the same level and up to date, in case anyone has decided to keep reading and is somewhat not feeling in the loop with my boyfriend escapades (hahaha right), em dan and i have been going out for like, a thousand eons (almost two and a half years now) and he has been nothing but super. really. i have brought up taking a break a few times now but he has never felt that we needed one.

okay so we are all chels-dan relationship experts now. and as you may have guessed, yeah, i brought it up again yesterday. dan is a great guy and i know, god, do i ever know that my mom likes him, his family really likes me too, and i know, for the most part, my friends approve with two thumbs up (or lily, if you're reading this, think, three thumbs up). but... man, where to start. i don't even know. and it's not even him, really. it's just... me? us? i don't know. okay, just before i start, i should clarify that dan is without a doubt, the most loyal, wonderful guy i have ever met. our experiences/backgrounds are so similar it scares me (both our dad's work at ubc and are profs, our moms both went to BCIT, to give an example). we always "get" each other. we just fit so well, sometimes i feel like we're meant to be. corny, i know. sorry. just the very little romantic left in me trying to form a connection.

some things about him drive me insane. examples: pretty negative while i tend to be naively optimistic (consciously, however. i am aware of my stupid optimism.), and his short temper, and his wishy washy vagueness when it comes to planning for the future, and his unwillingness to just drop some stupid everyday shit that happens... you know when you need to just move on and not dwell on the small but bad stuff?

i am pretty used to cheering him up... but it's really hard to always be the pep squad. i mean, i have my bad days too... and i know it's not all about me, but what do i do when i need someone to make me feel better? i guess i kind of feel like it's just tough stuff for me and i have to get over it. but it's hard to constantly push aside the unpleasantness and slap on a smile. and when he gets worked up over little things like people on the bus not being courteous, etc, it really stresses me out. i just want everyone to be happy. really, that's all i want.

so i guess the conundrum that plagues me is, do i leave him for these shortcomings? no one is perfect, i know, but can i live the rest of my life like this? or do i forgive and just assume things will get better?

i have told him several times about these issues, so don't tell me to talk to him. he knows. and i know he tries not to... but the thing i wonder is, is that "just the way he is"? or is it an attitude that he can learn to drop?

i know he loves me a lot... i don't think anyone could ever love me more, to be honest. and i'm really lucky to have him... but is that enough? he's so close, though, that i can't imagine breaking up with him at this point... how could i cause so much pain to the one person i know really loves me?

god, i feel like such a horrible person.

no pressure to respond to any of this. i'm not sitting here typing going "those guys better solve all my problems..." it's good enough to know that someone other than dan cares.

-chels