Somewhere out there

Last night, I went to Broadway Station to meet up with Kem and then proceeded to go to Blenz to talk about stuff. I wouldn't say it was awkward, but there were a lot of silent moments in between our conversations, but eventually, I think we both said what we needed to say.

I told him how I felt that I was sort of going back into the closet by lying to his friends, his family, my mom, and not feeling sure whether or not they should even know that I'm gay. I told him that I've gotten so used to being called a "friend" and not being affectionate towards him in public that I now actually only feel like he is a friend, and not a boyfriend.

He told me that his reason for not coming out to his mom was because despite the fact that she's a big homophobe, she's supported him (both financially and him), gives him a place to stay, food, etc. and he feels that if he were to tell her, it would hurt her a lot. Because he's a really selfless person and always thinks of other people first, he's willing to keep who he really is a secret, to make her happy. But at the same time, he's not really happy about his situation. On one hand, I can understand his relationship with his mom, but how far will you go to risk your own happiness to serve others? When will it be about you? Do you really want to spend your life making others happy while making yourself sad/miserable/otherwise?

If his mom really does love him, she'll accept him (or at least learn in time) for who he is, right? I mean, I'm no Christian or anything (apparently, she's a big one) but there's all this talk about love, right?

In that case, he would never be able to hold a gay relationship. I put up, for lack of a better term, with it for four months. I think that's pretty good. I don't know who else would, I really don't. He could always go get a girlfriend, which would probably make his mom happy and squash any rumors or whatnot that he's possibly gay (which I told him), but he said he doesn't want that. So where does that leave him?

For me, there's only so much appeasing I'm willing to do. If eventually I don't like the situation I'm in, I'll do something about it--"rebel" if I have to. But I guess Kem's willing to live with that lie, possibly for the rest of his life.

He went on a little bit about how these past months have been a "waste of my (ie. me, Aaron, not him, Kem) time" and I disagreed. I may not have known it would end up like this, but I still made a really good friend, and that's never a waste of time.

We finished talking at about 1:00am. He hugged me on the skytrain station platform, and for once, didn't seem all that uncomfortable doing it in public.

So yeah. We're done.

~~Aaron