This means goodbye

I want to reply to what other people are saying, but this is what's on my mind right now.

I'm thinking of breaking up with Kem.

I've been thinking about it for a while, but didn't really mention because I thought it was something I could sort out. I didn't know if our personalities matched romantically, and the fact that our relationship was hard because of the fact that he's not out, he's busy, etc. which I've been more than patient with. Today really made me wonder it thoroughly though.

He was at my place not too long ago and I was flipping through Xtra West, which is the local gay newspaper. There was something about the Pride Parade this year, and I asked him if he was going, and he didn't really say anything, but just looked at me, which answered the question. At first, I sort of dismissed it as nothing, but wanted to know why he didn't want to go. (the font's different for this part because I typed it out somewhere else)

He believes that if he goes, his mom will know. She just knows he will be going to--of all the events going on in the city--the Pride Parade. And that would lead to a whole conversation of "You're gay!" even with his defences and saying otherwise, which I guess shows how much he doesn't want to even mention the word "gay" around his mom (apparently, she's a big fat Christian and big on the homophobia too).

I asked him what the worst thing that could happen would be. He sort of stared off and eventually told me he couldn't come up with an answer. I told him that lots and lots of straight people go to Pride, so it wouldn't necessarily mean that he (and other people) are gay.

He told me he didn't expect me to understand because he comes from a different background, culture, etc. I told him that I want to understand and wanted him to explain for me, but based on his lack of any kind of response, I didn't get that, and I was left with nothing but confusion and disappointment.

Despite the fact that the Pride Parade has been taken over by all these corporate floats or whatnot, the whole idea of being proud of who you are is behind this event. I can't remember his exact response, but he said something along the lines of not being proud of who he is. And I don't know how long I can deal with that.

In the end, it's his choice. I can't make him go, and I'm not going to. I'm just frustrated at his lack of taking a risk and having fear of his mother.


I also asked him (on MSN after he left) if he had ever considered coming out, to which he said no. He told me before that if he were to ever even remotely consider coming out, he would be in a different city and then phone home and say, "Hi mom. I'm gay." which is kind of a cop-out. So i asked him this:

"If you were to stay in Vancouver the rest of your life, does that mean you'd never come out?"

And he said, "Yes. As of now, yes."

So basically, if I stuck by him, I'd be known as the "friend", and that's stupid. I don't want that. I kind of want more acknowledgement than that.

And I don't want someone who's not willing to take any chance. If i told my mom that I was going to the Pride Parade and she thought, "That makes you gay! You're gay! You can't go!" and if I was in Kem's position of not wanting to come out yet, I'd say, "No, I'm not. I'm just going with some friends to hang out there. If you think that the only people who go there are gay, you're mistaken. You can't stop me from hanging out with my friends, and I'm going."

I saw this movie recently where an older guy tells a younger guy, "One day, you have to tell your father (or parents) to fuck off. Only then will they really respect you and leave you alone." And this his situation is like that.

I used to be all obedient and doing what my mom told me to do. But there are things I won't compromise for, and I try my best to let her know.

You only have one life. If you're going to lie through it, are you really going to be happy? Life's too short to just live in fear. I've learned that (or at least realize it now). For me, I just didn't want to go on with that lie of not telling people who I am, of lying to my friends and family about this part of me. I wouldn't have that.

So I don't know. It's going to be hard if I stay with him and hard to break up with him too.

Fuck. If I had to choose at this moment...

I'd do it. I'd call it quits.


~~Aaron