so much for a break

hey guys,

so first of all, i have to say this one thing (somewhat directed more to lily and aaron because i told lily i could go already and because it directly involves aaron)... i actually can't go to aaron's grad. i'm really, truly sorry; i was really looking forward to it (i mean that) and i told lily i could go... but i forgot i have to volunteer for PURE (dan reminded me... darn him...)!!! poooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

so aside from that, i have an assignment for co-op due next monday (eek) and i've got "co-op bootcamp" next thursday... i can't believe school is already starting!!!

i really am so excited... but extremely nervous as well. part of me knows how invaluable this experience is, but i guess another part of me feels ill prepared and inadequate... and i know that this experience is going to make me dig deep and really get a good look at myself. which i guess is what i'm afraid of. i already know, obviously, that i'm not perfect. so not. but i feel like doing this is going to make me face my insecurities and weaknesses head on (you know, in order to deal with them). and i guess my worst fear is that i'll realize that i'm sooo much of a work in progress i won't be able to cope.

not that i'm backing down. i definitely think this is the right move for me. it's just so scary, y'know? i feel so alone and confused...

so about that course lily and i took; this is kind of random but i was talking to dan and he was saying how he was proud of me for working so hard and i really stopped to think about it and i realized that during the last 3-4 weeks of that course (ie, half to two thirds of the course) i had probably put more effort into that class than i had ever put into anything else in my life. which is sad, if you want to think of it that way. but the thing is, when i think about it, there really is so much that just came naturally to me, in my life. and i'm not trying to brag -- that's nothing to be proud of. who cares what you've got? it's about what you do and what you earn. and so for that course (we haven't gotten our marks back yet), i am actually content with my performance. i'm hoping for a great amazing mark (note the word, hoping) but i'm not nervous. i worked hard and so i know that no matter what i get, it's what i deserve. which kind of makes me feel good that i really did it.

wow so much to say... should i just stop here? bleh. well if you're tired of reading i guess my post can end here.

see you guys soon :)

chels






if you are interested in hearing more, i've got about three more things on my list..?

well yeah. i don't know if you guys or anyone, really would necessarily describe me as a happy person, but i actually feel that way for the vast majority of the time. not like, happy with myself or my school or anything in particular, really. just happy to be. if someone asked me what the best things in my life were, i would definitely absolutely 100%ly say it is most surely the people in my life. i guess what keeps me going is my faith. and i don't mean my faith in God (or god), necessarily... but kind of. my faith that things will ultimately sort themselves out (God? karma? i just feel like something is there) and my faith in people. when i start to doubt people, that's when i get really really depressed.

i don't know... i just look at all the amazing people around me and it's so... gah, amazing crazy superwonderful awesome to see what people can accomplish. and then i think, how can i not believe in people? random: dan's dad was explaining to me how they used doppler shift to determine how parts of the universe are moving away from us and my brain just about nearly almost exploded. it's insane what people have been able to figure out.

and i love all the people around me... i really couldn't ask for a better social environment. but part of me wonders what good i am. and i'm sure that's something we all struggle with, to some extent. and although i'm not concerned with many aspects of me that plague others, i often wonder what good i do. everyone around me seems to do such amazing things and contribute so much to those around them... but what am i good for? what do i really do?

dan says i shouldn't compare myself to others -- but what am i supposed to do? accept mediocrity? i can't... it would be an insult to those who have taught me what i know, influenced the way i think, and shaped the person i am today.

name anyone and i can give you a list of why i admire them. i can't think of anything good i've done lately. i just keep feeling like i never do enough. inadequacy? i guess that's it.

changing topics, a co-worker from IGA gave birth to a baby girl. i was so incredibly happy for her because i knew that she had wanted a child soooooo badly for a long time. and she's such a wonderful person, i told dan she should get whatever she wants. i'm going to her place on thursday night (in case i disappear, at least you guys will know what happened!!!!!!!! ...if anyone dares to read this far!) for a fun-filled sleepover. hahaha. she's so funny. she was saying that as soon as she went on maternity leave she thought of me and wished i would sleepover and watch movies with her. she must be in her thirties.

hmm what else? well dan and i are good, in case anyone was wondering. i think we're starting to get over some things we bumped into in the past and we thought we'd figured out, but really hadn't. i think we're finally moving on. he asked me about getting rings today (we talk about things like this sometimes... it doesn't indicate that anything to do with it happening soon; it's just planning) and i smiled because i knew he felt good about us. he wouldn't ask about specific things in the future like that if he wasn't really thinking about us together... foreverish.

my mom and jeff came home today. it's nice to have a full house again. even if i do have to wait 2 hours to use the bathroom (seriously. mornings here are ridiculous).

and aaron, i'm sure i've told you before, and i will now tell you again -- your mom will not kick you out. you're her son and you will find something to do by then. something creative and wonderful and worth your time. and if anything happens, you know my house is full enough so that no one will notice one more :P haha. seriously though, if things got really bad, how could my parents not let you stay at my place? they know you (kind of), they know i have a boyfriend, they might know you're gay (can't remember if i said anything or not. oh well) so why not? anyways, if they really said no because they were being stupid horrible evil mean bad people (if they really didn't want you to stay over and you had no place to go i would be so incredibly pissed i almost feel angry just thinking about it), i would make you come to my house anyways (how could they stop me? throw me out? hahaha so bad... it's okay, we could go to dan's house!). i have nice clothes to cushion the floor (much softer than your bed) and tons of food... once my mom goes to costco this week!

okay so i really need to figure out some co-op stuff right now so i shall talk to you guys later! stay safe and keep in touch. let's do something together soon before co-op destroys me!

- chels

ps- aaron, you've probably read up to here, so here you go: i'm honestly very sorry that i can't make it to your graduation. i know you've worked really hard and accomplished some great things. looking back at your work, i know you know you've learned something well worth the effort, and i wish i could be there to celebrate that with you. have a great day without me, though. take the time to congratulate yourself for all you've done. and don't be mad at me please..!