so far away

hey everyone,

first of all, this is going to be a selfish post. just to warn...

i have been so depressed for the past week. i started my new job, and not that it's bad or anything... i don't even know if it's related... there are also like, 30 new co-op/summer students at the research centre (there were only 6 of us in january). i also don't know if that's related. i don't know, i don't know.

anyways, i am really sick of being away from everyone. last night i was crying and talking to dan and i was so so sad... i want to come home. i want to be with the people who really love me for the way i am. i am so sick of the superficiality and everything here. i am tired of people always joking and never being real (i don't mind jokes but i really like to get to know people. behind the jokes...).

so when i was talking to dan, i couldn't even really identify how i felt. i was just upset...

after talking to him for a bit, i realized i felt stupid. i felt like a total idiot and fool. foolish is the best term to describe how i felt, i think. most accurate. anyways, i guess i naturally just... am really open. i am really comfortable with myself and my life and everything in it... and i don't lie. and i am pretty straightforward... and... i guess when other people are not... maybe especially since so many new people came and i am still the same way...

it's just hard. i just feel like no one really cares... i am willing to open up and be accomodating. i want people to feel comfortable with me. actually, all i really really want is for everyone to be happy and get along.. honestly. so when i am open and others just use it to tease me (not that i gave REALLY personal information or anything, but you know..? i don't know, i hope you guys understand), it gets tiring. i mean, i get it at first, and it's fine occasionally, but...

yeah. i just feel really stupid and like... last night, i was getting ready for bed, and i was like, "miao? you know what my problem is? i don't know how to shut up..." and she was like????? and i went to bed and talked to dan.

dan says no one should feel stupid for being themselves and if people are not used to it, it's their problem, not mine. but i still feel like an idiot. i don't know what else to say or do.

i just want to stay home and drown in self-pity. but another part of me gets annoyed at the first part of me for being so pathetic.

so overall, i just feel crappy...

i don't know what to do... i wish i could just shut up. i talk too much. i ask too many questions. and i care too much about how people feel.




lily, honestly, i know you are doing the job the best you can do. if your coworker is going to be immature and closed-minded (oh, she's only worked for 3 days? lily must suck at her job), then screw her. you have some experience doing this kind of thing, and although there are tons of new things to learn, you will get the hang of it. i know you, and i know you'll do your job professionally and accurately. what can you do if she thinks you suck? all you can do is be awesome at your job and show her what a douche she is for underestimating you. i am saying this in an encouraging tone, just to clarify. like, GO LILY! SHOW HER YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO!!! if she is not flexible and open to working with new people who are actually trying to learn things, then she has issues and obviously is not willing to help others learning, even though she was once in that position. i think it speaks more of her incompetence (she can't pull a bit of extra weight? she can't take an extra 5 mins out of her day to answer a couple questions? she's been at her job how long and can't handle working with new people??) than anything you do or don't do.

ann, it's good to hear from you! i hope you are having fun!


everyone, i am not sure if i said so already (i think i did) or if i just told aaron (i think i did this too..?), but i will be visiting vancouver next weekend. want to hang out sunday morning/afternoon? when are you working that weekend, lily?



miss you all. no one gets me here...

chels <3

ps- eating ice cream and sitting on a bed with no sheets... miao and i switched bedrooms this morning and my sheets are in the wash...